As I watch my father…

As I watch the man I loved, feared, respected and sometimes even hated, it gives way to the thought of growing old. It’s an unavoidable process no matter how much the medical community tries to delay.

I wonder what goes through his mind as it is no longer easy for him to communicate. I see the frustration in his eyes as he tries to reconcile that he can no longer do it by himself. His independence is diminishing and he says “I never thought I would be like this.” He turns toward me with tears in his eyes and asks, “What do you think I should do?” As I take a deep breath in an effort to keep it together I think ‘wow I used to ask you that question and you always had an answer.’ I, normally full of words, am rendered momentarily speechless.

Funny I never realized how heavy that question was until my parent asked it of me. Now the child who relied on the parent for guidance must now guide the parent. “No need for tears Dad so far you have been given life far beyond many, 86 and only a few weeks to 87.” He smiles and gives a little chuckle that becomes a priceless gift to be retained.

I still have yet to answer, then like a burst of light a calming spirit washes over me, “All you have to do is make peace within yourself. You have spent your entire life hustling, helping others often neglecting your own. Now at this stage in your journey sit back, let go of your regrets, fears, disappointments, mistakes as they become irrelevant. Ask that when you are called it will be when you are at your purist.” He turns to me and says “Thank you.” The tears he first cried were of sadness, these were now of joy.

My daughter Quinn, 4 years old, comes into the room with two pictures for her grandpa one of a rainbow, the other of flowers and butterflies. As they are placed by his bedside she says “I made them just for you so you can see all the pretty colors.” Her timing could not have been better. His smile radiated like a blinding light, he responds “That’s my Lady Perkins.”

Quinn’s pictures brought one of my favorite songs from The Wiz to mind, Be A Lion…

“There is a place we’ll go where there is mostly quiet. Flowers and butterflies a rainbow lives beside it. And from a velvet sky a summer storm. You can feel the coolness in the air but you’re still warm…If on courage you must call then just keep on tryin’ and tryin’ and tryin’. You’re a lion, in your own way be a lion.”

We must be strong as we prepare for life’s transitions. They were not made to be easy, for anything gotten too easy is often taken for granted. Growing old, what was once a natural expectation is now more of a gift than ever before. The privilege of old age, having the opportunity to see the amazing transitions implemented at the hands of man based on talents gifted by God.

 It’s hard watching the slow degeneration of a person but it is worse to lose them in the early years.  While my father has to find peace within him, I too must find it within me. To let go of any anger I may hold against him. To let go of the tragedies that may have been avoided had he been there. Unlike many I was able to find strength in all of my adversities.  Here is my peace for it lies within my strength.

I was born a Lion, and I will always be a Lion

© Soulmuze 2012