Tag: transition

Best things I never had… Yous

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

#soulmuze #soulspiration #thanktheexes #lookingback #rearview #honestlyspeaking

As I looked in my rearview mirror, I thought to myself, I owe my past a great big THANK YOU!!

Thank you to the friends who have betrayed me, especially to the alleged lovers who abandoned, cheated and lied to me… no sarcasm whatsoever.

I thank those men especially because they taught me so many things in their wonton behaviors towards our relationship.

Was their treatment towards me warranted?

Absolutely not!

Were their actions intentional?

Yup, those mofos knew exactly what they were doing.

Did they expect me to be hurt?

No thoughts given! They cared about pleasing themselves so why would they think beyond that, seriously?

If I wanted to play games I would have gone to the arcade. I don’t play with time or emotions, both are priceless so why was it so easy for others to play with mine without proper thought? A question that will never be answered …

As I looked in my rearview mirror, the questions flowed…

Do I miss ‘yous’ or the things ‘yous’ introduced me to?

Do I miss ‘yous’ or the comfort of believing ‘yous’ was all mine?

Do I miss ‘yous’ or the image I had of ‘yous’?

When I replay my relationships from start to finish, was there anything to really miss? I was enamored by false images, overall the relationships was set on a foundation of quicksand, destined to sink because ‘yous’ had no desire to be faithful. I guess ‘yous’ wanted a ranch with a variety of horses to ride.

Sometimes we shared details of negative experiences, I thought that was a good sign. Well, my bad because clearly it was just idle chat. Each of ‘yous’ kindly repeated the same behaviors… could have missed me with that! Instead ‘yous‘ chose to commit memory murder with those actions which cancelled out all possible goodness that could have been a pleasant memory of a relationship that just didn’t work out.

“Yous” talked about doing the same shit to other women in your past, having it being done to you and you’re too old for games. Hil-fucking-larious, Mr. Smooth Criminals I fell for that line, more than I should have… obviously.

The late Ann Landers said, “The worst truth is better than the best dressed lie.” Well, sadly I have had a series of men in designer tuxedos with some bad ass shoes and a fancy car. It seems I would have been better off with someone in a polyester suit, Florshiem shoes and a used Chevy or better yet sweats, sneakers and a metro card … just keep it real shall we.

None of ‘yous’ did me any favors with your forked tongues. As a matter of fact, I did myself one by owning my truths and retaining my value system, not pole dancing the same way ‘yous’ were pole dipping.

The highlight reel includes the one who was in utter disbelief that I was walking away on my own. He insisted I had to have another man to give me the strength to leave. Hmmmm, I see, guess it would have made him feel better, my job was not to make you feel better just me.

I used to feel broken and angry. I kept caution tape and chalk outlines on my heart to avoid letting another man get close, then I thought why? Why should I deprive myself or risk missing my twin-flame because of someone else.

It wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t mention, the ‘yous’ gave me ‘the deer in headlights apologies’ to clear their conscious, try to keep me as a friend in case they wanted to leverage my gal Friday services or pick my brain because I’m “intelligent” and try to keep banging me out. Wow, see how highly they thought of me?

The things I wanted to do with them, they refused but instantly did with someone else. Thanks to social media it was all in plain sight, wtf! Why am I brooding over ‘yous’? Broken became replaced with bruised and bruises heal which no longer take forever thanks to the likes of shitbags like ‘yous’.

Now, when I look in my rearview mirror, I know I didn’t fall short, ‘yous’ did because I still have no problem being a one man woman. I can say what I have to say and if you can’t serve me the way I want to be served I don’t need side dishes, I will walk away. I need one man who can provide the same five course meal I can provide to him.

I replay relationships which in turn translates to nothing but an affair, a tryst, a whimsy or possibly a figment of my imagination; yup I minimized that shit like they minimized my worth, and my commitment to ‘yous.’

Thank you to my past ‘yous’ who I once mistook for a real relationship, caught me sleeping, now I nap with one eye open.

See you’re the one with the rebound chic, me, I have nothing to rebound from. As far as I am concerned, once you cheated, everything was invalidated… oh and yes including the sex, what sex? Filling your spot is easy, it was never filled, no labels, you didn’t claim me, so there’s nothing to compare it too.

Overall, you, me, we … never happened… best things we never had… thank yous

© Soulmuze 1965-2018. All Rights Reserved.

What did I do?… Time to burn to resurrect

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

#Soulmuze #Rebirth #RisingfromAsh #Phoenix

“Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.” Mother to Son by Langston Hughes

My stairs have all broken into fractured pieces and various sized shards have been painfully imbedded into my heart and soul.

Never have I experienced so much pain and heartache at one time back to back to back, day after day after day. I look inwards, outwards, upside down, sideways, forwards, reversing, searching for answers. What did I sow to warrant such return?

I cried out to the universe seeking answers, a sign, a totem, something!! I waited, I waited and still I wait, in return things continue to spiral downhill.

I can retain the mask of a smile but it is damaged, requiring repair as my eyes are marked with dark circles and puffiness that can only be covered by large tinted glasses. I can’t stop the rain so I must succumb to the flood until I have repaid whatever debt that is owed.

I no longer believe in “do unto others” for those I have given my love and support without question or pause have left me to be washed away and practically drown in the rising flood waters.

“You’re strong.” “You got this.” “You’re smart.” “Look how much you have accomplished.” Blah, blah, blah bullshit in my ears.

What? Are you ASSuming I never need??! The strong can never be weak? Can never say I can’t do this? Can never cry, scream or beg for help? Do you not understand why I support the semicolon movement? I considered it because the rainbow wasn’t always enough…

Doing what you have to do has nothing to do with strength, it’s called handling responsibilities. If shards of glass are impaled in my body causing me harm, tearing me to shreds are you going to just watch me die a slow painful death based on an assumption of eternal strength?

I do not assume anyone is eternally strong or an octopus or could be everywhere at once which is why I extend my help when asked or offer help to those I sincerely care about. I will cry with you and for you. I will wipe the snot from your nose. I am not a fair weather friend or lover.

The mind of humans never cease to amaze. If I attempt to step into your shoes, see with your eyes, feel with your heart, listen with your ears why can’t you do the same for me? Walk with those findings and just hold it.

When you have been grounded down to practically nothing the only thing left is to reinvent yourself. I must find a different branch on my tree of life for the fruits of my spirits have been depleted as it has nourished everyone else, now their needs are satiated, I am left dry, withered, wrinkled and empty.

As I select my new branch I will keep all of my spiritual fruits. No more shall I gracefully serve bottomless plates, give pack your to-go box and deliver on a dime. No more will I light your entire path. You will be served only what you serve me. If you serve me nothing I will not starve as have stored my fruits. No more off balanced scales.

Cry I will. Die a thousand deaths I will until I get past this negative magnetic cycle. When the darkness clears I will stand under the burning sun, dance to the music until I go up in flames then resurrect.

9 fruits of the Spirit:

1. Love

2. Joy

3. Peace

4. Patience

5. Kindness

6. Goodness

7. Faithfulness

8. Gentleness

9. Self-Control

“As Beethoven was writing his 9 symphonies the fruits of my spirit danced under the fiery sun until I became nothing but ash and at that moment I was reborn.” Soulmuze

©️Soulmuze 2018

Hold on for one more day

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts, Poetry

#Soulmuze #SuicidePrevention #SoulfulStoryTellersInc #StrongerThanUThink #TalkToAStranger #HoldOnForOneMoreDay #Sunshine #YouCanHelpSaveAnother #YouAreNotAlone #Talk

Until you have reached a point of no return and truly contemplated ‘Do I want to keep on living?’ you will never know the strength required to take your own life. Just like those who make that decision never knew how strong they really were. We will never know how many of them may have realized that they really wanted to live as they were dying.

Do not judge those who committed suicide. Do not chalk it up to ‘they have been dealing with anxiety, depression and/or taking medication for years.’ It’s not cut and dry, emotional pain, depression and heartbreak can’t be fixed with a pill. Recovery is not over night.

Look to the clouds overhead there’s an Angel who’s hoping you heed the words that’s about to be said…

When thoughts of suicide pop into your head remember your worth more alive than dead.

Lifeless body covered with a white sheet

What made you take that final leap?

Were you confused? Abused? Hurt? Afraid?

Was that the only choice you could have made?

We often think to end our life will be the end of the problem

But often times it escalates it to those you left behind.

They carry the burden,the sadness, the pain of your actions.

Death does not always bring closure or satisfaction.

It’s easy to say ‘it will get better one day’

When you’re not the one suffering emotional, physically, mentally

There is not a one word phrase or answer that can give you the strength you need to persevere

When the fight in you is gone its harder to hold on

But should you allow yourself to live for another day you are one step closer to beating the demons that try to take your life way

Hold on just once more and you open the door to life a little more.

Hang in there please stay for you can live to help extend someone else’s life another day.

©️ Soulmuze 2018

My New Journey Begins

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Poetry

#Soulmuze #Soulspiration #MyNewJourneyBegins #SpillingInk #MySoulSpeaks #DeathChangesAll #lightpath #LostSouls #Hope

“A heart that is troubled shall be no more.

A soul that is lost will soon find its way.

A flicker of light will provide seas of hope.

May the sweet fragrance of flowers be constant reminder that true beauty is within.

Open your heart and release your light path.”

©️ Photo and words Soulmuze 2018

Happiness is finding pencil after pencil after pencil after …

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

#Soulmuze #Soulspirations #MySoulSpeaks #SelfDiscovery #ChewOnThis #Pencils #Change #SpillingInkUsingLead #SpilledInk

The first $20 I ever made was performing at the Billie Holiday Theatre at the Restoration Plaza located in the Bedford-Stuyvesant section of Brooklyn. I played Peppermint Patty in “You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown” with my JHS Drama club. The entire cast was paid equally and it was amazing. I took that $20 and opened my first bank account at the now defunct Chemical Bank which was also in the Restore, that was in 1977. Kitura, Walter, Darryl, Yolanda, Lamar, Sheila, just to name a few of my cast mates; our Music/Drama teacher Ms. Powell who did all of this with/for us on her own dime, back then teachers gave of their personal time without per session pay.

I almost sound like Estelle Getty as Sophia Petrillo in the Golden Girls ‘Picture it: Brooklyn 1977…’ lol

What an amazing feeling! I remember we were all celebrities for our brief run on our very own little Bed-Stuy Broadway! Everything was about community back then.

To this day I still love the Peanuts gang. We enjoyed the stories and didn’t see their colors or gender identities, just kids; plain and simple.

I never realized the lessons I was learning thru it all: teamwork, patience, sharing the spotlight, finding our voices, recognizing our individual talents, encouraging each other and so much more.

There are so many things I loved about that musical but as I grow older the one thing that stands out the most is the ensemble song Happiness, the first line is “Happiness is finding a pencil.” It truly was for Charlie Brown for when the pretty little red headed girl dropped her pencil, he picked it up, saw teeth marks and knew she was human.

“I’m so happy. That little red-headed gril dropped her pencil.It has teeth marks all over it. She nibbles her pencil. She’s human! It hasn’t been such a bad day after all.” Charlie Brown, You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown

I have my own little chewed up pencil with it’s equally little eraser and I never hesitate to correct my mistakes, I’m only human.

My bite marks on the pencil represent the release of panic, anxiety and putting thought into my every action. When it’s needed and I’m ready (for change isn’t easy) I find my pencil , I erase and start over again with renewed confidence.

I save each worn down pencil to remind me of how far I have come, how much I have accomplished.

Happiness is finding pencil after pencil after pencil after pencil after…

Dedicated to one BAMF-CDC who has found his pencil after pencil after…

©️ Soulmuze 2018

To Die is to live

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

#Soulmuze #Soulspiration #ToDieIsToLive

“You needn’t die happy when your time comes, but you must die satisfied, for you have lived your life from the beginning to the end . . .” Stephen King, The Dark Tower

It’s easy to grow fearful of your impending death as each passing day someone suddenly dies. They are not old, or have some disease/illness, they just transitioned and you connect because you are close in age.

You must live each moment to satisfaction. Only you will answer for your deeds.

Those you loved may miss you dearly, but they will find solace in the memories.

Those you hurt may find closure in your death, for now you no longer have the opportunity to hurt anyone else or them again.

Those who are indifferent towards you are probably the ones you have wronged the most for there are no more feelings; a void. Odds are they continue to make other people pay for the hole you left behind.

As you prepare for a #newday, a new moment, a new year keep in mind the satisfaction of living. Recognize that it’s not just the satisfaction of self; each one of us has a direct impact on the next.

Just like a tree, we are connected at the roots.

Strength to the families whose loved ones have transitioned.

Blessings to new #births; for when a pair of #eyes closed a new pair has opened.

Soulfully speaking

©️Soulmuze 2015

Photo credit Soulmuze, Sandy Hook 2017

Do it just because…

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

#Soulmuze #Soulspiration #UnselfishActs #ExpectNothing #ItsAChoice

❤️ I had to remind myself of this yesterday and this pops up today. I believe we are sent messages and too often we ignore them but not I.

When you willing give so much of yourself and dedicate yourself to someone you naturally expect the same from them in return. However, that’s not always the case.

Your actions are just that, yours, it’s a choice. You made the choice, you own said choice and you accept the risk-reward that accompanies it.

If we put it in a business context we can easily understand and accept. You take the risk, invest $10k in stock the market, it does well and your investment doubles, you enjoy the reward. You continue to take the risk and let it all ride, the next day the market tanks you not only lost your profit but your initial investment, you have nothing. Who do you blame? The stock market is volatile you knew that going in… well?

Life is volatile. People are volatile. Mother Nature is volatile. No matter how much you try to filter out the weeds they still find their way through. You prepare, you plan, you purposely pursue yet and still you seem to be standing in the same oddly shaped unidentified geometric spot. Stuck in the middle of what appears to be your private unique lonely universe. You’re yelling out imprecations but no one can hear you. Or maybe they do but don’t care because they got what they wanted from you already.

Before you gave of yourself did you question ‘what do I get out of this, what’s my return on this investment?’ Did you think about the risk-reward?

We are so busy rushing through this life creating our own expectations of others, blaming others for not meeting our expectations which we never communicated in the first place. We expect everyone to just know, be mind readers, common sense, telepathy… WE ARE ALL UNIQUE so is there really such thing as common sense? What do we really fucking know anyway? Everyone writes their script as they go. We can’t even erase shit properly, we can still see the outlines of the past, and end up tracing it over just changing character names… same Script Different Cast.

Yet and still this is life… Highs, lows, joy and pain, sunshine and rain. You make the choice, to take the chance, don’t expect the same in return from the person(s) for whom you are engaging.

Whatever you do, do it without expectations. Do it because you choose to. Do it for the joy of helping someone. Do it just because…

©Soulmuze 2017

Not living as if it’s my last

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

#Soulmuze #Soulspiration #Sunrise #Sunset #Moonlight #ChildsEyes #ElderStories #WingsOfLove #SpiritualDesign

I’m not concerned with living each day as if it was my last.

My world almost ended countless times yet the universe saw fit to allow me to see the beauty of another sunrise, sunset and the light of the moon.

I’d rather look into a child’s eyes believing in a better tomorrow. I’d rather listen the rattling voices of the elderly as they tell their stories of survival and days gone by.

I’d rather not live with reckless abandon but with purpose. I’d rather live on the wings of love than of fear or hate which breeds contempt.

I’d rather believe that the Gods which covers all within my heart and gives me spiritual insight into the darkness has great work that I must fulfill before this earthly journey is complete and my next one begins.

Yes, I live out of the love of my spiritual design.

(c) Soulmuze 2017

New mindset, new shifts, new beginnings

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

#Someday someone is going to look at you with a #light in their #eyes you have never seen.

Starting today you must look at yourself with that light everyday. #Newmindset, #newshifts, #newbeginnings. Someday is not as far as it seems.

The solar eclipse, hurricanes, solar flares has more than a physical impact.

One needs to go deeper than the surface layer of destruction to discover, understand and connect with the true message being revealed – #change.

Eliminate everyone and everything generating negative #vibrations, not meeting your needs. If something is for you it shall be yours but you must be prepared to receive.

Remember the greatest and ultimate of all things is #love … love of self, one another and the universe.

#soulmuze #soulspiration #soulspeak #universallaw #metaphysicaljourney

Photo Credit google images

(c) Soulmuze 2017

Look towards the horizon

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

“The vastness of the universe and the power of Mother Nature is a constant reminder that we must look towards the horizon with clean hands, a pure heart and unfiltered lenses.

One cannot continually focus on the here and now for that has already become the past and then.” (#Soulmuze) #Soulspiration #SoulfullySpeaking #UniversalLaw #MotherNatureSpeaks

Photo Credit C. Castro location Rionegro, Antioquia

(c) Soulmuze 2017