Tag: support

Hold on for one more day

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts, Poetry

#Soulmuze #SuicidePrevention #SoulfulStoryTellersInc #StrongerThanUThink #TalkToAStranger #HoldOnForOneMoreDay #Sunshine #YouCanHelpSaveAnother #YouAreNotAlone #Talk

Until you have reached a point of no return and truly contemplated ‘Do I want to keep on living?’ you will never know the strength required to take your own life. Just like those who make that decision never knew how strong they really were. We will never know how many of them may have realized that they really wanted to live as they were dying.

Do not judge those who committed suicide. Do not chalk it up to ‘they have been dealing with anxiety, depression and/or taking medication for years.’ It’s not cut and dry, emotional pain, depression and heartbreak can’t be fixed with a pill. Recovery is not over night.

Look to the clouds overhead there’s an Angel who’s hoping you heed the words that’s about to be said…

When thoughts of suicide pop into your head remember your worth more alive than dead.

Lifeless body covered with a white sheet

What made you take that final leap?

Were you confused? Abused? Hurt? Afraid?

Was that the only choice you could have made?

We often think to end our life will be the end of the problem

But often times it escalates it to those you left behind.

They carry the burden,the sadness, the pain of your actions.

Death does not always bring closure or satisfaction.

It’s easy to say ‘it will get better one day’

When you’re not the one suffering emotional, physically, mentally

There is not a one word phrase or answer that can give you the strength you need to persevere

When the fight in you is gone its harder to hold on

But should you allow yourself to live for another day you are one step closer to beating the demons that try to take your life way

Hold on just once more and you open the door to life a little more.

Hang in there please stay for you can live to help extend someone else’s life another day.

©️ Soulmuze 2018

Happiness is finding pencil after pencil after pencil after …

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

#Soulmuze #Soulspirations #MySoulSpeaks #SelfDiscovery #ChewOnThis #Pencils #Change #SpillingInkUsingLead #SpilledInk

The first $20 I ever made was performing at the Billie Holiday Theatre at the Restoration Plaza located in the Bedford-Stuyvesant section of Brooklyn. I played Peppermint Patty in “You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown” with my JHS Drama club. The entire cast was paid equally and it was amazing. I took that $20 and opened my first bank account at the now defunct Chemical Bank which was also in the Restore, that was in 1977. Kitura, Walter, Darryl, Yolanda, Lamar, Sheila, just to name a few of my cast mates; our Music/Drama teacher Ms. Powell who did all of this with/for us on her own dime, back then teachers gave of their personal time without per session pay.

I almost sound like Estelle Getty as Sophia Petrillo in the Golden Girls ‘Picture it: Brooklyn 1977…’ lol

What an amazing feeling! I remember we were all celebrities for our brief run on our very own little Bed-Stuy Broadway! Everything was about community back then.

To this day I still love the Peanuts gang. We enjoyed the stories and didn’t see their colors or gender identities, just kids; plain and simple.

I never realized the lessons I was learning thru it all: teamwork, patience, sharing the spotlight, finding our voices, recognizing our individual talents, encouraging each other and so much more.

There are so many things I loved about that musical but as I grow older the one thing that stands out the most is the ensemble song Happiness, the first line is “Happiness is finding a pencil.” It truly was for Charlie Brown for when the pretty little red headed girl dropped her pencil, he picked it up, saw teeth marks and knew she was human.

“I’m so happy. That little red-headed gril dropped her pencil.It has teeth marks all over it. She nibbles her pencil. She’s human! It hasn’t been such a bad day after all.” Charlie Brown, You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown

I have my own little chewed up pencil with it’s equally little eraser and I never hesitate to correct my mistakes, I’m only human.

My bite marks on the pencil represent the release of panic, anxiety and putting thought into my every action. When it’s needed and I’m ready (for change isn’t easy) I find my pencil , I erase and start over again with renewed confidence.

I save each worn down pencil to remind me of how far I have come, how much I have accomplished.

Happiness is finding pencil after pencil after pencil after pencil after…

Dedicated to one BAMF-CDC who has found his pencil after pencil after…

©️ Soulmuze 2018

Sandy Hook

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Poetry

#Soulmuze #SandyHook #SandyHookElementary #ProtectOurChildren

Our hearts cry out in pain
Tears falling like a never ending rain
Prayers by the masses
Knowing this type of pain never truly passes
How do you reconcile yourself with this type of loss
What was in this madman’s head as the shots fired off?

Innocent children whose lives had yet to truly begin
Now has been brutally ended by a man so full of anger that led to this sin

Reports say psychological issues are to blame
Yet the methodical path taken says he was not totally insane

A child is born every second of every day
Each one is precious and priceless in their own way

Now these gems lives are gone
Their peers forever will hear the sound
One by one as this man took each one down

School a safe haven to learn and grow.
Now has been added as one of the scariest places those children and their families will ever know

© Soulmuze 2012

Do it just because…

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

#Soulmuze #Soulspiration #UnselfishActs #ExpectNothing #ItsAChoice

❤️ I had to remind myself of this yesterday and this pops up today. I believe we are sent messages and too often we ignore them but not I.

When you willing give so much of yourself and dedicate yourself to someone you naturally expect the same from them in return. However, that’s not always the case.

Your actions are just that, yours, it’s a choice. You made the choice, you own said choice and you accept the risk-reward that accompanies it.

If we put it in a business context we can easily understand and accept. You take the risk, invest $10k in stock the market, it does well and your investment doubles, you enjoy the reward. You continue to take the risk and let it all ride, the next day the market tanks you not only lost your profit but your initial investment, you have nothing. Who do you blame? The stock market is volatile you knew that going in… well?

Life is volatile. People are volatile. Mother Nature is volatile. No matter how much you try to filter out the weeds they still find their way through. You prepare, you plan, you purposely pursue yet and still you seem to be standing in the same oddly shaped unidentified geometric spot. Stuck in the middle of what appears to be your private unique lonely universe. You’re yelling out imprecations but no one can hear you. Or maybe they do but don’t care because they got what they wanted from you already.

Before you gave of yourself did you question ‘what do I get out of this, what’s my return on this investment?’ Did you think about the risk-reward?

We are so busy rushing through this life creating our own expectations of others, blaming others for not meeting our expectations which we never communicated in the first place. We expect everyone to just know, be mind readers, common sense, telepathy… WE ARE ALL UNIQUE so is there really such thing as common sense? What do we really fucking know anyway? Everyone writes their script as they go. We can’t even erase shit properly, we can still see the outlines of the past, and end up tracing it over just changing character names… same Script Different Cast.

Yet and still this is life… Highs, lows, joy and pain, sunshine and rain. You make the choice, to take the chance, don’t expect the same in return from the person(s) for whom you are engaging.

Whatever you do, do it without expectations. Do it because you choose to. Do it for the joy of helping someone. Do it just because…

©Soulmuze 2017

2:22 

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

Photo credit: Google images   #Soulmuze #Soulspiration. 

Folks say I gotchu but ya know they blowin’ smoke 

Their words are nuffin’ but farts in the wind, must think u a joke

Leave dem whey dey at 

Keep makin’ ya moves, let em think ya a fool 

As da universe link ya wid a new support crew

2:22 Only one copy was pressed on Vinyl… but it fell and broke… 😂

Don’t be disappointed when you are not supported by those you expected to support you or you have always supported. 

It’s just life’s way of switching you to another path on your tree of life; preparing to change your circle… sometimes #people are #tapped out when it comes to you, vice-versa. 

#Embrace it, #welcome it, be #glad in it!

“To #live requires #growth, to  grow requires change. Once growth stops #death is present.” (Soulmuze)

(c) Soulmuze 2017

She is becoming

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Poetry

amanda november 2013

She is still becoming despite her 40+ years.

She is still becoming for she has yet to face all her fears.

She is still becoming trying to fill the gaps in her heart.

She is still becoming waiting for her brand new start.

She is still becoming despite the darkness of her pain

She believes she will find herself again

She understands what she must leave behind

She is eager to see what’s new and will stand in line

She recognizes she had to fall so that she could stand

She recognizes that for her, God has His own plan

She knows patience is a virtue and she must stand tall

She also knows that she must be prepared to answer the call

She is slowly opening her eyes so that she may see

She knows that blindness kept her from accepting reality

She is not allowing others to taint her view

She is removing the tinted glasses and letting the real colors shine through

She will become more than anyone expected her to be

She is becoming amazing and free

She is becoming more creative in her spirit

She is becoming stronger in her fight

She is not a phoenix, for she never allowed herself to become anyone’s ash

She became a warrior, a tribal leader, a ninja, a mighty power who can be brash

She is still becoming for her evolution has no end

Becoming, becoming, becoming so much more than the eye can see

She is becoming

She is me.

For those who have fought the wars of love and won and for those still fighting.

© 2014 Soulmuze, Photo Credits Albert Blackman, Jr. of AlBJ Photography

Branches on your tree of life

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

I have heard many times that our lives are mapped at conception much like the growth of a tree. As our roots begin to grow, our life branches are created. We choose a branch in the hopes of a sturdy path but if its weak we double back to the trunk of the tree to find a new branch, a new path. The branches may have some similarities so you may find yourself doing the same thing but those similarities doesn’t always yield the same results.

If the branch is weak and cannot hold the weight of your desires it breaks and you have to start from the base and make your way up.

If the branch is strong you get all of your desires but it doesn’t guarantee that you are content. Why? Because the branch is just hanging out there with no true connection… Like a dangling participle. Many people like that as it allows them full control and an apparent drama free existence.

Yet we were not designed just to dangle, just let someone swing on a vine until it breaks. From the beginning of time whether you believe in evolution or God everything was created to have a connection, a purpose, a link to extending existence. That existence, that indelible mark that continues to keep you connected as you transition from a physical existence to a spiritual one.

It’s not just about having children to tag them with your family name which they can change. It’s about creating a connection through pairing, allowing a bird to build a nest, a squirrel to hide their food, or even a cat to escape danger in your tree.

Take a look at your life… Are you creating connections? Sincere ones. Do you have the one who will hold you when you are having nightmares? One who will listen to you rant and rave? Share your darkest secrets or intimate desires without judgement but will consider sharing the execution? The one who will clean the gook from you eyes, the crud from your nose?

Hope your tree of life has honest supporting connections.

(C) Soulmuze 2013

Take a look at yourself…Priceless

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

I was thinking about the things my mother said you know the stuff that sticks when you’re trying not to listen.  I thought about the choices I made, the people I surround myself with then suddenly my thoughts went deeper. You know into the part of your subconscious where you throw all the things you can’t or don’t want to accept. At first I thought I’m clearly having a melt-down, but then I said I need to take a look at ME. Why? Because there are aspects of me, my life and my values that don’t seem to fit the “norm,” (whatever that is). Is it me? Am I missing something? Am I so abnormal? I mean I’m an immigrant to the United States, they called us “Resident Aliens” until we became “Naturalized Citizens”, but am I still an Alien? (These name tags add to our f’up society, why can’t we just be human beings?)…

My subconscious, who I named ColorfulSpirt, said to me:

What is it that drives your likes, your taste in men, choice in friends, the colors you choose? What do you think will complete you? What do you need to close that gap that has you wearing that perfected smile which is often far from genuine to heal the wound that no amount of ointment or band aids can cover…”I’m ok” is not a cure all, it’s a postpone all as you deny all…

My reply:

ColorfulSpirit, I just don’t know anymore. I have reinvented myself, taken failures to make them successes, tried to listen more, be loyal, giving, reasonable, honest, stronger… Yet it seems the reinvention quickly becomes obsolete; my strength is failing; my loyalty, giving and honesty is often abused; the weight on my shoulders make my knees buckle and my heart ache.

ColorfulSpirit:

Well you gave yourself the name Soulmuze and that was not a random decision. You searched within yourself for a name that would define your essence.

  •  “Soul” because of your sense of identity, spiritual and emotional nature in which you will leave an immortal mark on anyone or anything you touch.
  •  “Muze” because of your nature of self-reflection, a guiding spirit, a source of inspiration.
  • The ‘Z’ replaces the ‘S’ in Muze to represent the fact that there is no one exactly like you.

 As a child you were always viewed as different, you accepted that difference, you worked thru it, and used it to become the woman you are today. Your destiny is to be the woman you are and no matter how long the path or the branch on the tree of life you will get what is yours and yours alone. Differences built both positive and negative in this world, so don’t allow any to tear down the woman you worked so hard to be!

 Well, ColorfulSpirit was and is always enlightening. We often ignore and de-value our subconscious, but when we step back and take a look at ourselves we find the lost treasures of who we are, what makes us unique and valuable. Even if no one else acknowledges your worth you should never let go of it… priceless.

© Soulmuze 2013

 

Back in the driver’s seat

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Configuration Management

Looks like some of the chill is out of the air and the warmer breeze will begin to flow. With the change of season we all wake up as if we were hibernating bears, look in the mirror, then ‘damn I need to lose weight and fast!’  Funny how we associate our presentation with the removal of winter coats, a big event or vacation.

Configuration management is a lifelong year round journey. Yet we tie it to a social factor. It’s understandable I do it too. The only thing that makes it stick is if you have a medical condition. Well being overweight creates all types of health risks so we should commit to making configuration management our yearlong, lifelong event.

Now, since starting my journey I lost 25 lbs and gained back 5, yay me! I was able to maintain and still enjoy the things I like BUT in small sporadic doses. For quite some time I have been in the passenger seat, just watching, cruising, not doing, procrastinating … As that got older and older (as I), I decided it was time to get back in the driver’s seat. This vehicle needed a proper tune-up and body work. I decided to focus on exercise so that I could develop a taste for it. Yes I said “taste”, the rewards of exercise helped me want to do it, the same way I wanted to eat a boatload of ice cream and french fries (well that only rewarded my guts, ewww). I established a simple routine of 3 times a week 45-60 min… Retained the assistance of a personal trainer and invested in a Nike fuel band for additional motivation… Gotta meet my daily fuel goal! (I have to take it back to the store because it’s not cooperating think I over worked it, yay me again!)… Anyway broken fuel band and I’m still exercising! After only 3 months I’m stronger, see my body reshaping and don’t cringe at the words plank or dead lifts.

Now, I’m heading into a nutritional cleanse program introduced by a friend of mine. I’m so excited about embarking on this new configuration program. I’m not in the habit of adverting what I’m doing. Why? Can’t take the naysayers! You know the ones that say:

You look fine, you don’t need to lose weight

Why are you wasting your money on that stuff

Just another fad… Blah, blah, blah

They act like you haven’t done your research, or they know how you feel when you look in the mirror (clothes on, clothes off two completely different views) or can’t get that outfit because “bulges” are not in style this year. Some need to understand people go into diet programs for support, accountability, competition (yes that’s a motivator have you seen “The Biggest Loser”?), convenience and simplicity. Here eat this, drink that, remove that… Following a program actually deprograms you from many negative eating behaviors. We are creatures of habit if we change our routines slightly it becomes second nature. However, you have to want that change, imitate that change and be committed to that change. Wait! Let me emphasize it’s a challenge like every other and it doesn’t guarantee you will eliminate every bad habit. But just by changing one you will achieve something positive.

 

To be a strong, happy loser you must grab that negative and make it work for you. So when someone says:

your fat or looking heavy  say “thank you for highlighting that glad you cared enough to tell me to my face” (not really but hey throw them off) then modify and rectify if you so desire

your doctor put you on medication for blood pressure or sugar  ask your doctor for recommendations to modify your diet, lifestyle changes often result in elimination or reduction of medication;  or if your adventurous like me I told my doctor give me 6 months to work on it without medication… So far a drug company has one less client. I may need it one day, just not today!

 You don’t need to lose weight say “you’re right I don’t need to but I want to” then think…  I’m must be looking good and they are trying to throw a wrench in my spokes.

No journey comes without peaks and valleys, the ones that aren’t a success are the ones you don’t try to embark upon.

Get in your driver’s seat, plug in your goal, follow your CMS (configuration management system),  go full speed ahead to a better you!!

I will keep you posted on my success!!!

 

© Soulmuze 2013

How do we ease the pain…

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

We all have vices, some used to accentuate our pleasure and some to ease the pain. The greater our need to enhance or eliminate the more we engage in our vice.

My mother always said “too much of one thing is good for nothing.”  As a God fearing woman she said turn to prayer for everything. Prayer is powerful, comforting and necessary in the world of many. We reach out to a power beyond the universe seeking guidance, help and most importantly the messenger who will deliver us from our ailments. Keyword being “messenger” in whatever forms it may come. We crave each other’s touch, to be held, to have arms physically wrapped around us so we can feel and believe it will be ok. We wait for that physical messenger and we find it in a vice. Oh yes I believe in the Almighty but when I hurt it is a physical pain that burns deep into the core of my soul.

“Is it a dream (is it a dream), that I am throwing in the wishing well, I am losing control my body and soul, Standing here waiting for a train that may never come… Deep water I am drowning, deep water Im slowly drowning in deeper…” Deep Water, by Incognito.  You have been here, loving someone who doesn’t love you the same way. Think about it, when love or life doesn’t go as we hoped, we begin to flail our arms, struggling to stay afloat, and some of us slowly start sinking.

Many people, regardless of their faith, are weakened by pain. While we are often taught ‘no matter how bad it is someone out there has it worse.’ That concept doesn’t hold water for too long because if you are extremely sensitive (like me) it makes you feel worse!  You end up absorbing the possibility of it being worse, increasing the burden that you are carrying. You cry out to the universe ‘what did I do, why is it happening, when will it stop?!’ Waiting…  no response. So you turn to your vice: drinking, smoking, drugs, sex, verbal/physical abuse, food … whatever it takes to release this anguish if even for a moment.

Pain is pain. What is nothing to you is overwhelming to another. We can’t say one pain is not as bad as the other. Vices used to cover our pain are like walking blindly into oncoming traffic on an eight lane highway with cars, trucks and buses coming in both directions at 80+ miles per hour. You just go and whatever happens is just that…it is what it is.

Even if you have the gift of true friends who will listen judgment free it may not be enough. The demons that dwell in your core are greater than that gift. It’s sad and difficult to understand unless you have walked thru the fire. When you succumb to the power of your vices some say it’s a sign of weakness, is it really?

“Lonely is a place I used to be, but I’m closing that door, I won’t live there anymore”, I Refuse To Be Lonely, by the late great Phyllis Hyman’s.

You tried as long as you could to deal, the pressure builds and builds so what do you do? Some close the door on their own, slow suicide thru overindulgence of that which masks the pain. Living inside their private pressure cooker, simmering, stewing, and burning until enough is enough! There is no definitive answer on how to overcome or simply ease the pain, especially when you feel God just isn’t enough. You cannot negatively judge those whose faith appears not to be strong enough. You cannot discard them, call them weak or selfish. Just like you can be blinded by anger you can be blinded by pain.

“People just don’t know what I’m about…They haven’t seen what’s there behind my smile…There’s so much more of me I’m showin out…(These are the pieces of me)”, Pieces of Me, Ledisi’s opening verse.

It’s the pieces that make us whole, when you feel like all the king’s horses and all the king’s men can’t put back together again your vices become your only alternative…but often times it doesn’t get you out.

I passionately and sincerely cry out to the universe to heal those in pain, to bring them whatever is needed to fill the emptiness that slowly eats them from the inside out. Let the method of healing be one that strengthens not destroys, may negative vices be replaced with positivity and support from our villages… for we are not designed to stand alone. 

© Soulmuze 2012