Tag: learn

Best things I never had… Yous

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

#soulmuze #soulspiration #thanktheexes #lookingback #rearview #honestlyspeaking

As I looked in my rearview mirror, I thought to myself, I owe my past a great big THANK YOU!!

Thank you to the friends who have betrayed me, especially to the alleged lovers who abandoned, cheated and lied to me… no sarcasm whatsoever.

I thank those men especially because they taught me so many things in their wonton behaviors towards our relationship.

Was their treatment towards me warranted?

Absolutely not!

Were their actions intentional?

Yup, those mofos knew exactly what they were doing.

Did they expect me to be hurt?

No thoughts given! They cared about pleasing themselves so why would they think beyond that, seriously?

If I wanted to play games I would have gone to the arcade. I don’t play with time or emotions, both are priceless so why was it so easy for others to play with mine without proper thought? A question that will never be answered …

As I looked in my rearview mirror, the questions flowed…

Do I miss ‘yous’ or the things ‘yous’ introduced me to?

Do I miss ‘yous’ or the comfort of believing ‘yous’ was all mine?

Do I miss ‘yous’ or the image I had of ‘yous’?

When I replay my relationships from start to finish, was there anything to really miss? I was enamored by false images, overall the relationships was set on a foundation of quicksand, destined to sink because ‘yous’ had no desire to be faithful. I guess ‘yous’ wanted a ranch with a variety of horses to ride.

Sometimes we shared details of negative experiences, I thought that was a good sign. Well, my bad because clearly it was just idle chat. Each of ‘yous’ kindly repeated the same behaviors… could have missed me with that! Instead ‘yous‘ chose to commit memory murder with those actions which cancelled out all possible goodness that could have been a pleasant memory of a relationship that just didn’t work out.

“Yous” talked about doing the same shit to other women in your past, having it being done to you and you’re too old for games. Hil-fucking-larious, Mr. Smooth Criminals I fell for that line, more than I should have… obviously.

The late Ann Landers said, “The worst truth is better than the best dressed lie.” Well, sadly I have had a series of men in designer tuxedos with some bad ass shoes and a fancy car. It seems I would have been better off with someone in a polyester suit, Florshiem shoes and a used Chevy or better yet sweats, sneakers and a metro card … just keep it real shall we.

None of ‘yous’ did me any favors with your forked tongues. As a matter of fact, I did myself one by owning my truths and retaining my value system, not pole dancing the same way ‘yous’ were pole dipping.

The highlight reel includes the one who was in utter disbelief that I was walking away on my own. He insisted I had to have another man to give me the strength to leave. Hmmmm, I see, guess it would have made him feel better, my job was not to make you feel better just me.

I used to feel broken and angry. I kept caution tape and chalk outlines on my heart to avoid letting another man get close, then I thought why? Why should I deprive myself or risk missing my twin-flame because of someone else.

It wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t mention, the ‘yous’ gave me ‘the deer in headlights apologies’ to clear their conscious, try to keep me as a friend in case they wanted to leverage my gal Friday services or pick my brain because I’m “intelligent” and try to keep banging me out. Wow, see how highly they thought of me?

The things I wanted to do with them, they refused but instantly did with someone else. Thanks to social media it was all in plain sight, wtf! Why am I brooding over ‘yous’? Broken became replaced with bruised and bruises heal which no longer take forever thanks to the likes of shitbags like ‘yous’.

Now, when I look in my rearview mirror, I know I didn’t fall short, ‘yous’ did because I still have no problem being a one man woman. I can say what I have to say and if you can’t serve me the way I want to be served I don’t need side dishes, I will walk away. I need one man who can provide the same five course meal I can provide to him.

I replay relationships which in turn translates to nothing but an affair, a tryst, a whimsy or possibly a figment of my imagination; yup I minimized that shit like they minimized my worth, and my commitment to ‘yous.’

Thank you to my past ‘yous’ who I once mistook for a real relationship, caught me sleeping, now I nap with one eye open.

See you’re the one with the rebound chic, me, I have nothing to rebound from. As far as I am concerned, once you cheated, everything was invalidated… oh and yes including the sex, what sex? Filling your spot is easy, it was never filled, no labels, you didn’t claim me, so there’s nothing to compare it too.

Overall, you, me, we … never happened… best things we never had… thank yous

© Soulmuze 1965-2018. All Rights Reserved.

What did I do?… Time to burn to resurrect

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

#Soulmuze #Rebirth #RisingfromAsh #Phoenix

“Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.” Mother to Son by Langston Hughes

My stairs have all broken into fractured pieces and various sized shards have been painfully imbedded into my heart and soul.

Never have I experienced so much pain and heartache at one time back to back to back, day after day after day. I look inwards, outwards, upside down, sideways, forwards, reversing, searching for answers. What did I sow to warrant such return?

I cried out to the universe seeking answers, a sign, a totem, something!! I waited, I waited and still I wait, in return things continue to spiral downhill.

I can retain the mask of a smile but it is damaged, requiring repair as my eyes are marked with dark circles and puffiness that can only be covered by large tinted glasses. I can’t stop the rain so I must succumb to the flood until I have repaid whatever debt that is owed.

I no longer believe in “do unto others” for those I have given my love and support without question or pause have left me to be washed away and practically drown in the rising flood waters.

“You’re strong.” “You got this.” “You’re smart.” “Look how much you have accomplished.” Blah, blah, blah bullshit in my ears.

What? Are you ASSuming I never need??! The strong can never be weak? Can never say I can’t do this? Can never cry, scream or beg for help? Do you not understand why I support the semicolon movement? I considered it because the rainbow wasn’t always enough…

Doing what you have to do has nothing to do with strength, it’s called handling responsibilities. If shards of glass are impaled in my body causing me harm, tearing me to shreds are you going to just watch me die a slow painful death based on an assumption of eternal strength?

I do not assume anyone is eternally strong or an octopus or could be everywhere at once which is why I extend my help when asked or offer help to those I sincerely care about. I will cry with you and for you. I will wipe the snot from your nose. I am not a fair weather friend or lover.

The mind of humans never cease to amaze. If I attempt to step into your shoes, see with your eyes, feel with your heart, listen with your ears why can’t you do the same for me? Walk with those findings and just hold it.

When you have been grounded down to practically nothing the only thing left is to reinvent yourself. I must find a different branch on my tree of life for the fruits of my spirits have been depleted as it has nourished everyone else, now their needs are satiated, I am left dry, withered, wrinkled and empty.

As I select my new branch I will keep all of my spiritual fruits. No more shall I gracefully serve bottomless plates, give pack your to-go box and deliver on a dime. No more will I light your entire path. You will be served only what you serve me. If you serve me nothing I will not starve as have stored my fruits. No more off balanced scales.

Cry I will. Die a thousand deaths I will until I get past this negative magnetic cycle. When the darkness clears I will stand under the burning sun, dance to the music until I go up in flames then resurrect.

9 fruits of the Spirit:

1. Love

2. Joy

3. Peace

4. Patience

5. Kindness

6. Goodness

7. Faithfulness

8. Gentleness

9. Self-Control

“As Beethoven was writing his 9 symphonies the fruits of my spirit danced under the fiery sun until I became nothing but ash and at that moment I was reborn.” Soulmuze

©️Soulmuze 2018

Happiness is finding pencil after pencil after pencil after …

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

#Soulmuze #Soulspirations #MySoulSpeaks #SelfDiscovery #ChewOnThis #Pencils #Change #SpillingInkUsingLead #SpilledInk

The first $20 I ever made was performing at the Billie Holiday Theatre at the Restoration Plaza located in the Bedford-Stuyvesant section of Brooklyn. I played Peppermint Patty in “You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown” with my JHS Drama club. The entire cast was paid equally and it was amazing. I took that $20 and opened my first bank account at the now defunct Chemical Bank which was also in the Restore, that was in 1977. Kitura, Walter, Darryl, Yolanda, Lamar, Sheila, just to name a few of my cast mates; our Music/Drama teacher Ms. Powell who did all of this with/for us on her own dime, back then teachers gave of their personal time without per session pay.

I almost sound like Estelle Getty as Sophia Petrillo in the Golden Girls ‘Picture it: Brooklyn 1977…’ lol

What an amazing feeling! I remember we were all celebrities for our brief run on our very own little Bed-Stuy Broadway! Everything was about community back then.

To this day I still love the Peanuts gang. We enjoyed the stories and didn’t see their colors or gender identities, just kids; plain and simple.

I never realized the lessons I was learning thru it all: teamwork, patience, sharing the spotlight, finding our voices, recognizing our individual talents, encouraging each other and so much more.

There are so many things I loved about that musical but as I grow older the one thing that stands out the most is the ensemble song Happiness, the first line is “Happiness is finding a pencil.” It truly was for Charlie Brown for when the pretty little red headed girl dropped her pencil, he picked it up, saw teeth marks and knew she was human.

“I’m so happy. That little red-headed gril dropped her pencil.It has teeth marks all over it. She nibbles her pencil. She’s human! It hasn’t been such a bad day after all.” Charlie Brown, You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown

I have my own little chewed up pencil with it’s equally little eraser and I never hesitate to correct my mistakes, I’m only human.

My bite marks on the pencil represent the release of panic, anxiety and putting thought into my every action. When it’s needed and I’m ready (for change isn’t easy) I find my pencil , I erase and start over again with renewed confidence.

I save each worn down pencil to remind me of how far I have come, how much I have accomplished.

Happiness is finding pencil after pencil after pencil after pencil after…

Dedicated to one BAMF-CDC who has found his pencil after pencil after…

©️ Soulmuze 2018

Choice.Chance.Change

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

#choice #chance #change

There is always the #fear of the unknown. Everything that exists today is a result of someone making a choice to take a chance and oh so much has changed!!!

Every unsuccessful attempt at anything teaches you how to do it better the next time. Life's recipe is not set in stone, tweak here, a tweak there can change something from sour to sweet.

What your heart #desires is waiting for you, be diligent, be passionate, be your own change agent.

(C) Soulmuze 2017

Don’t just open, read

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts


"I'm the book people always opened but never read."

Maybe the table of contents is overwhelming or the preface is beyond their comprehension. However, one should not be afraid to venture beyond the surface – if they are granted access may I add. Access is granted if genuine interest is shown; not for gossip, not for mockery, not for destruction but for insight with the intent to bond.

As we go through the chapters we may discover similarities or talents or that we are just hot grease and Pepsi but can amicably yet silently create boundaries for our relationship.

One will never learn if one never goes beyond opening the book.

Photo Credit: Google Images
(c) Soulmuze 2017

Thank you…

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

As I listen to Estelle’s “Thank You” I’m thinking wow in 4 minutes and 47 seconds she has captured my feelings on past relationships.

More often than not, the ones that mean something to you end as a result of one of you not being enough for other. Can’t really say who’s to blame but instead of gracefully writing off the chapter some find  it easier to cheat. When relationships end on a cheating note each person questions what they brought or didn’t bring to the table. Too much of one thing, not enough of another so a third party is pulled in to fill the gaps. Ultimately the gaps that we’re attempting to fill actually widen and become more complex.

Relationships can’t be handled like juggling balls in a circus act. It requires focus and dedication. I don’t like to use the term work, then it take on a laborious context. It’s an exercise of patience, empathy, compromise, just plain old wholesome love. Any dissenting behavior in this exercise leads to failure.

“Thank you for making me the woman I am…” croons Estelle

Think about that sentence. Look at yourself, then your friends. What are their views on relationships? Now let’s change one word…

Thank you for making me the “man” I am…

Yes, men are victims too…

In many cases that ‘thank you’ is pretty damn harsh. Thank you for making me miserable, a bitch, selfish, disillusioned, untrusting, non-committal… What do you say, ‘you’re welcome, anytime, it was a pleasure to hurt you…’

How many people do you know who refuse to be in a monogamous relationships, just can’t be bothered with the opposite sex, nasty, gold digging, switched to their own team, etc, etc. Do you truly believe the behavior or view of relationships evolved without provocation?

It’s hard for me to believe they were born that way, well maybe some, but come on the majority, really? Our views on relationships are defined by our parents, our childhood, our environment and mostly our experiences.

When we repeatedly have bad relationships we use them as a foundation for the next (this applies to both platonic and intimate relationships).  It’s like transitioning from an open road innocent and free; to adding cat eyes, just to help you see in the dark; adding guard rails, don’t want to go off sides; adding yield signs, think I need to pull back a little; adding stop signs, pump my brakes; adding stop lights, alright now something is not right; then when all the safety gear fails the full wall is resurrected, eventually shutting down the road altogether.

It’s important to look in before looking out. Consider what you have done to enable the negativity in the relationships. Review your choices carefully. Maybe the compromises you made to have someone in your life were not good for you. Desperate times do not always call for desperate measures.

Now..

Let’s reverse everything, make the Thank you positive

Thank you for making recognize what I should not compromise on
Thank you for making me stronger
Thank you for helping me recognize my own faults
Thank you for making me a better woman or man for the next one
Thank you for making me see I need to love me

Our first instinct is always negative and that’s okay, yet it’s important to pull out lessons learned about ‘you’. While you will always have a slightly bitter taste in your mouth for those failed relationships remember not to forget what they taught you… remembering makes that failure a success for you!

© Soulmuze 2012