Tag: empty

Everybody is talking about forgiving…

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

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“Time heals all wounds.”

Time… How much of it do we truly have? Wounds heal yet leave a scar to remind us of our injury. So how do we forgive for our scars never truly let us forget? As i think about all the jumbled pain I feel in an effort to find ways of reconciliation I come back to how much more time will I need to heal?

“We never know the day or the hour”

At this rate “When my roll is called up yonder” I will be transitioning with unforgiveness in my heart. Just the thought of that makes me a little more depressed. Many people could care less about letting go of anger, pain and heartbreak. For them it is all part of life, yes this is true, but do we want those things to become part of our death?

Holding on to these negative feelings kills a piece of you every day.  The snowball rolls increasing in size and the more it grows so does the bitterness and disillusionment of ‘how wonderful life can be.’ It chips away at the possibility of fulfilling dreams in this life… To the best of our knowledge THIS is all we have.

“So you live, so you die..”

I don’t want to take the weight of unforgiveness anywhere, do you? How can we be pulled up into the rapture if our hearts are heavy?  How can our spiritual souls travel the astral plains with weighted ankles?

“The longest Psalm has amen…”

We all have differing spiritual beliefs, despite those differences we share the common ground of wanting/needing to remove the weight of emotional pain. If we had the power to turn back time it would be to do things differently so we can release pain and increase love… Love ourselves, a person, a passion.

Time is not limitless, it’s precious and we waste so much of it…. So how do we begin to heal…

The journey of healing and releasing those weights will take on different forms: prayer, meditation, exercise, charity work, music, writing, traveling, speaking … It’s all about replacement. Whatever medium you choose never choose the path of indifference or self -destruction.

When you become indifferent there are no feelings left and you become even more hardened to the world. Those ankle weights rise up weighing down your calves, knees, thighs… You become firmly set, like cement, and you have given power to the darkness.

That darkness fuels your self-destruction… Covering those weights with drugs, alcohol, wanton behaviors that often end up leading to self-assisted death. Pain so deep that the strength to heal is overpowered by the desire to die. You take temporary solace in self-destructive behavior to quiet the voices in your head that remind you of pain and raise the voices of darkness that convince you to eliminate pain by repeating acts of self-destruction. Then one day the voices are no more, you are no more. Did it fix your problem or just extend the cycle of pain to the loved ones you have left grieving, wondering how could I have helped? Why didn’t I listen more, see more…?

“Life is filled with pain and disappointment.”

Oh yes it is, for some more than others. One thing that holds true once you work through the pain and disappointment you can find renewed strength. You can be a voice to others, the ears to listen, the arms to hug, the hope for someone else.

What you needed you can now offer to someone else. When you become an anchor for another they will become an anchor for you.

Back to the beginning…is it that time heals wounds? I guess that’s a personal assessment.  the desire to heal starts within oneself and we must reach out to others so we will not rot within.

For me… My replacements are in motion and if they fail I will find better ones. I have no time to waste on people or things in which we don’t share a mutual level of value.

© Soulmuze 2015

How do you fill the Grand Canyon?

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

I have been battling with this topic for a few days. Not really sure if I worded my emotions right or truly captured the essence of what I’m trying to work through. Maybe if I sat down and spoke out loud with someone it may have been easier. But sometimes you can’t talk to anyone but yourself. So I sit in front of my reflection having a dialogue with myself…

Have you given much thought to who you are, where you are and what you want? Well I do every day and every day that view changes. One day I’m closer to closing the gaps in my life but either the same day or the next I feel stuck in a rut. The gaps don’t seem to decrease… what once was a fracture, transformed to a crack,  a pothole, then here comes the Grand Canyon.  How do you fill the Grand Canyon?!

We have so many needs and as each one is satisfied there is another created leaving you in a state of constant  unfullfillment.  *extended sighs* … Yet there are some needs so great that they become an obsession. If that obsessive need or needs are filled you can manage without the others; creating a state of contentment. One of the most unfulfilled and obsessive need revolves around the heart.  How do you explain the hole you have in your heart?

Many people like to say just be grateful for what you have, be patient and wait for the rest. I’m guilty of saying it as well. It’s like a safety statement when you’re at a loss for words yet must say something. What we often fail to recognize is it’s not ungratefulness by any means. It’s a desire to feel some sort of completion.

The gaps in your core come from dreams and expectations you built up from childhood. Once you recognize the gaps you commit yourself to break the cycle. Being passionate about change keeps you on your grind to become and implement that change.  

You believe if you had the power to change the gaps in your childhood it would have made you an even better person as an adult. You never know for sure but if it’s your belief then it can become your obsession.

My gaps could be a result of being raised by a single parent, lack of open communication, lack of trust, lack of true and honest love, not fitting in, not having a solid relationship with my parent,  questioning my identity… doesn’t mean that I need a baggage handler, or you should run in the other direction, despite the gaps I’m keeping in together…trust!

If you can find a source to close the gap you gain more confidence and slowly you begin to fill the Grand Canyon of emptiness. Now there is always a spiritual component yet no matter how much you believe, it may not be enough.

People who are content with their lives easily spew “let go, let God.” but they are never around when I have emotionally let go and tears of despair are drowning me in the Grand Canyon. They don’t understand or maybe just don’t care because it’s really not their problem. Or maybe they deal with their gaps by pretending they don’t exist, rotting inside until one day it becomes too much to bare then boom! Or they abuse others since misery often loves company.

It’s truly hard to explain for some things have to be experienced. Even then they may not get it for no two experiences are ever exactly the same. Seeking to close the gaps often results in making decisions that make it even worse. Taking short cuts, accepting of things we know are wrong… We see this every day, no examples necessary, think about it… bad flashbacks but lets press forward shall we,

So how do I fill the Grand Canyon? Writing often helps me find answers or ways to cope with a situation. Sad to say I’m stumped on this one. I question if my dreams will ever truly be fulfilled, if not why won’t God just tell me so I can stop waiting. Or is He telling me and I’m not listening because I don’t want to believe I’m not worthy of the simple promises of love and life. This all may sound like mindless babble but it’s not. Anyone who thinks it is really can’t help me, help myself. The are probably looking at life through those infamous rose colored glasses, can’t see the forest through the trees or whatever that damn cliché is.

So what’s next? I can fill the Grand Canyon by packing up those gaps with cement and just go through life like a mechanical maniac. Hardened, insensitive and cold … sounds like a plan… but that’s not me by any means. Seems the more you search within yourself the greater the hole gets.

That’s where you are sadly mistaken. The more you search inside the greater your capacity to find your truths, healing yourself and most importantly you stop the expansion of the canyon. Every little pebble, or grain of sand you add is one step closer to fulfillment. We like to rush change but we must remember the gap started as a fracture. So the time it took to create the gap will be double the time to resolve.

We should not be disillusioned or discouraged when answers don’t come into full view immediately. Be enlightened by the time required for you will learn so much more than the time you have lost. When your Grand Canyon is filled it’s a permanent closure as opposed to a mere Band-Aid.

…The reflection still doesn’t fully satisfy my question yet gives me other avenues to focus on, mainly patience, learning and don’t let go… hmmm letting go seems so much easier, but not an option… When all is said and done maybe I can’t help myself but I can be a catalyst for change and resolution to someone else.

© Soulmuze 2012