Tag: death

Everybody is talking about forgiving…

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

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“Time heals all wounds.”

Time… How much of it do we truly have? Wounds heal yet leave a scar to remind us of our injury. So how do we forgive for our scars never truly let us forget? As i think about all the jumbled pain I feel in an effort to find ways of reconciliation I come back to how much more time will I need to heal?

“We never know the day or the hour”

At this rate “When my roll is called up yonder” I will be transitioning with unforgiveness in my heart. Just the thought of that makes me a little more depressed. Many people could care less about letting go of anger, pain and heartbreak. For them it is all part of life, yes this is true, but do we want those things to become part of our death?

Holding on to these negative feelings kills a piece of you every day.  The snowball rolls increasing in size and the more it grows so does the bitterness and disillusionment of ‘how wonderful life can be.’ It chips away at the possibility of fulfilling dreams in this life… To the best of our knowledge THIS is all we have.

“So you live, so you die..”

I don’t want to take the weight of unforgiveness anywhere, do you? How can we be pulled up into the rapture if our hearts are heavy?  How can our spiritual souls travel the astral plains with weighted ankles?

“The longest Psalm has amen…”

We all have differing spiritual beliefs, despite those differences we share the common ground of wanting/needing to remove the weight of emotional pain. If we had the power to turn back time it would be to do things differently so we can release pain and increase love… Love ourselves, a person, a passion.

Time is not limitless, it’s precious and we waste so much of it…. So how do we begin to heal…

The journey of healing and releasing those weights will take on different forms: prayer, meditation, exercise, charity work, music, writing, traveling, speaking … It’s all about replacement. Whatever medium you choose never choose the path of indifference or self -destruction.

When you become indifferent there are no feelings left and you become even more hardened to the world. Those ankle weights rise up weighing down your calves, knees, thighs… You become firmly set, like cement, and you have given power to the darkness.

That darkness fuels your self-destruction… Covering those weights with drugs, alcohol, wanton behaviors that often end up leading to self-assisted death. Pain so deep that the strength to heal is overpowered by the desire to die. You take temporary solace in self-destructive behavior to quiet the voices in your head that remind you of pain and raise the voices of darkness that convince you to eliminate pain by repeating acts of self-destruction. Then one day the voices are no more, you are no more. Did it fix your problem or just extend the cycle of pain to the loved ones you have left grieving, wondering how could I have helped? Why didn’t I listen more, see more…?

“Life is filled with pain and disappointment.”

Oh yes it is, for some more than others. One thing that holds true once you work through the pain and disappointment you can find renewed strength. You can be a voice to others, the ears to listen, the arms to hug, the hope for someone else.

What you needed you can now offer to someone else. When you become an anchor for another they will become an anchor for you.

Back to the beginning…is it that time heals wounds? I guess that’s a personal assessment.  the desire to heal starts within oneself and we must reach out to others so we will not rot within.

For me… My replacements are in motion and if they fail I will find better ones. I have no time to waste on people or things in which we don’t share a mutual level of value.

© Soulmuze 2015

Black is nothing more to you than the absence of light…

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Poetry

life

#blacklivesmatter #livesmatter

Black is nothing more to you than the absence of light

Does the color of my skin make me a sin?

Does the texture of my hair determine whether or not you should care?

The whip marks from the backs of slaves transformed to tear streaked faces.

Confusion and question on why are there different rules for different races.

Jury of our peers what does that mean?

As I watch what has become a legal execution scene.

Maybe the laws of this land I just don’t understand.

How you can walk away when I saw you just kill a man?

Was your life in danger? Shhh, I must be silent, I must not question.

For on me you may turn your weapon.

Who fired the shot that started and ended it all?

Is death of the perpetrator always the final call?

Split second decisions are not easy to make.

But it always seems to end with a life you must take.

Was there ever a time when you shot to incapacitate?

Does a badge and weapon seal death as our fate?

Even to you my voice has no worth.

You started my journey 6 feet into the earth.

“I can’t breathe” you all heard me say.

Yet I was snuffed out anyway.

Instead of Miranda maybe you should just read my last rites.

Since black is nothing more to you than the absence of light…

© Soulmuze 2014

Then I Pulled the Trigger

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts
Then I Pulled the Trigger
Then I Pulled the Trigger

For years I wanted to learn how to handle a gun. I guess my curiosity was initially spurred from watching action movies. Then it evolved when I watched the news hearing of police shootings, civilian shootings, children shootings. All those damn shootings must be pretty easy to pull that trigger.

The other day a friend invited me to the gun range. So you know I was all too excited finally I get the chance! I’m practicing my aim with my nerf gun, I know, I know it’s no comparison but hey I would like to hit the target.  My friend handles a gun as part of his profession so he provided my intro to handguns prior to attending the range. Gun handling tips 101 always assume the gun is loaded; keep your finger off the trigger unless you’re ready to pull; don’t point your weapon at anyone unless you’re going to use it on them; don’t anticipate the recoil; most importantly forget what you see in the movies it’s not as easy as it may look… Wait! Hold up, what do you mean it’s not as easy as it looks? People fire off every day, it really can’t be that hard or is it?

I learned the parts of the gun, how to load/unload, point check to determine if it’s loaded, how to aim and shoot. This girl is ready for the range! I even had a study guide like I was going to be tested. Yeah I can do this, piece of cake.

Time to hit the range, Gun for Hire in New Jersey. You can shoot from age 8 and must have a valid id. Bring your own or rent from a variety of rifles to hand guns … wow shooters choice! We go fill out the necessary paperwork, chose a weapon and wait for our turn. As I sit there acting like “I got this” I watch the patrons come and go with rifle bags, gun cases, ammo cases and oh oh, umm… my feelings go from excitement to fear. I’m sweating in a cool room, chewing my gum thinking do u really want to do this? Should I tell my friend I’m scared as hell! What if I shoot myself, him or someone else by mistake? I would never survive jail. Oh geez, wtf, this shit is about to get a little too real for me. Yes I’m a punk!

Yet I am determined to follow through, besides this little adventure does not come cheap and I’m not about to waste his money or our time.

We’re up! We put on the earpiece and goggles head into our port. The smell of gunpowder, zillions of empty shell casings all over the place and people pulling the trigger with ease. Me silently trying not to panic, sorry folks but I’m dramatic by nature. As we start setting up I notice that the gum I was chewing is starting to disintegrate in my mouth! I was so nervous the chemistry in my saliva change and my little piece of chewing gum was breaking down into its components. How weird is that? I discreetly tossed it.

“You go first” he says. ‘Aww damn, really?‘, I’m thinking. Ok here goes. Take my stance, remember the rules, don’t panic, just breath. Two hand grip, finger on the trigger, use the guides on the gun to align my target… Then I pulled the trigger… One off, hot shell casing pops up grazing the wall… ‘Ok I’m good, your turn… No? I have to do this again and again?‘…  Let’s be clear I’m not verbalizing my thoughts. Please I can’t let him know that I want to wimp out and just watch thru the other side of the glass!

Then I pulled the trigger again and again. Time to switch guns, switch the glock 19 for the glock 27. Ok, I’m managing now. I have the 27 double hand grip, finger on the trigger then slowly pull… One shot … Ok this one is a 40 caliber hand gun with greater recoil, definitely too much for me. Thoughts went from head to mouth “It’s your turn I don’t like this piece.” My limit had clearly been reached. His response, “fire again.”  ‘What!?!! Is he not listening to me? Uggg’, so I follow orders lol. Hot shell casings land in my shirt, hit my head as I silently wait for his turn. Feels like forever!!

I watch him shoot, firm grip and focused, hitting the target effortlessly. His facial expression confident, stance solid and comfortable. Clearly, my ability to take on a profession requiring the use of gun is questionable at the moment… My turn again, I step up and handle my weapon, (yes I’m hitting the target most of the time), it is getting a little easier, but when is our time up, why are there so many bullets left in these damn boxes!!! Shell cases popping, hands all sweaty, why is the hour going so slow?

Finally, time’s up!! I go to wash my hands and my chest is red and burning. Guess the scoop neck shirt was not a good choice. That’s was just from the hot shell casings. Can we just throw hot shells at people instead of actually hitting them with the bullets? Yeah I know that’s a dumb idea, and I do accept that some people need to be taken down, period, point-blank.

What an experience. Am I glad I tried it? Yes. Would I do it again? Yes. Why? Well why not. We often fear what we don’t understand and cannot control. That being said I will face my fear and learn how to control the weapon. As far as understanding, well that goes far beyond what I can accomplish. I can understand the components of the weapon but will never understand how people can pull that trigger with the intention of taking a life “just because.” I am not talking about the legitimate situations where your life is in danger or saving the life of another. I am talking about those people who shoot because the music is too loud; your look like you might hurt me; you looked at me funny; I ain’t no punk; you were texting in a movie theater; shoot first ask questions later; the wild wild west mentality bap, bap, bap; etc…

I pray for my friend and all the men and women like him who chose professions that require them to be armed. To protect people who really don’t appreciate their efforts; to babysit criminals who still act out in the jails;  our military who go to war for a country that can’t take care of them or their families when all is said and done.

I pulled that trigger, and it wasn’t what I thought it would be. It’s not easy, it’s deliberate. It’s real. Remember when you pull that trigger, you can’t stop that bullet, it’s the ultimate game changer.

© Soulmuze 2014

That defining moment

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Poetry

That defining moment when this life’s journey is coming to an end

God sends the message you must leave your family and friends

That defining moment when you realize the journey here is through

When the physical must depart and your soul will be born anew

That defining moment when you accept one must go into the light

When you let go and say they will be alright

That defining moment when you are seeing family from an aerial view

When you want to tell them not to cry over you

That defining moment when you smile and say

For those who believe we will be together again one day

There are so many defining moments in our life that seem more profound than the next

But none are as defined as the transition from life to death

Our dearly departed we cry for thee

We cry for we know your physical will no longer be

Yet once we have reconciled our loss

We will rejoice in the life you lived and celebrate that you are home with the ultimate boss

Yes, that defining moment we know must and will come

You will be taken at your purist to sit with Our Father and Son

A new chapter begins when this life ends… That defining moment… Blessings

Dedicated to a friend whose mother was called up yonder 4:17:2012

© Soulmuze 2012

In the end the only secret you keep is immortality, or is it?

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

We all have secrets both good and bad. Are keeping secrets healthy? Are they necessary? Well the good secrets are okay since the intention is to reveal them with a smile.

We often think what we don’t know won’t hurt us but when truth comes to light it’s a whole new ball game.

More often than not we think secrets or deception is the best way. Who are we truly protecting? No one. Who do we hurt? Everyone. Secrets are like untreated wounds the longer they stay the worse it becomes. They fester, get infected and you can lose a part or all of yourself.

Often times we keep secrets to avoid hurting those we love. If we truly love would we have put ourselves in a position to have a hurtful secret? Hurt is hurt. Pain is pain. Keeping information does not cancel out the emotional impact. As a matter of fact the longer you keep a secret the greater the pain it can cause.  Time helps us cope with all wounds so why delay the process.

Parents don’t hide truths from your children. Say a prayer then share. You set the stage for what children will do when they become adults. You teach your children not to lie yet you keep vital information from them. Then in death it is revealed and the scars you leave behind can never be addressed. You are no longer physically present to help them understand the what’s and why’s… irreparable damage

The importances of secrets lead to the creation of various government agencies. They are designed to protect us from what we don’t know, to keep us controlled and from overall mass hysteria that may result from knowing our impending doom, mMakes sense? Despite those agencies people are still losing their minds over conspiracy theories; plots to wipe out an entire race; satanic orders, etc. When 9/11 occurred secrets were revealed too late which could have lead to saving the lives of thousands. This is all speculation, but you never know and we never will… or will we?

If we spent less time with our head in the sand we may be better equipped to handle threats of terrorism, Mother Nature’s outbursts or man’s mistakes when they attempt to play God.

Again, these are just thoughts that run through my mind with no definitive answers. If you are a believer of God you know your book of law whether you call it The Bible, Torah, Quran, etc., revels the beginning, the middle and the ‘end’ or rebirth of days. We have all heard of the ‘lost books’ which are said to be hidden in an undisclosed (secret) location. If they are hidden they are not lost and we are being deprived of valuable life lessons.

Wearing masks and providing selective information yet we are always being  ‘real and honest.’ Our judicial system works on the premise of ‘telling the whole truth and  nothing but the truth’, kind of ironic isn’t it. Guess it actually translates to what you think is true to you and not actually what is. Hence, the wrongful conviction of the innocent and freedom of the guilty (often those who are charged to protect us).

No matter how you slice it over time truths are revealed so the only person you fool in the end is yourself.

Is the only secret you take to your grave is that of immortality? Do good deeds to help mankind, establish a foundation of positive values, train our children in the way they should go, give honestly, talk openly… These behaviors create a legacy and become a practice that can be repeated generation after generation and this I believe is the secret to immortality…

© Soulmuze 2012

Live your dash

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

Today marks the assassination of Christopher Wallace aka Biggie Smalls. I can remember the phone call that rattled my slumber. As fresh as the gun powder, as hot as the bullet, news travelled Biggie was shot. Part of his crew lived on Washington Avenue (Clinton Hill side) in my girlfriends’ building so before the news wire was out we knew what went down.  

Biggie left marks like you could never imagined. Every man, woman, child of all ages knew and still know Big Poppa!  Gone at 24 Biggie left a mark most can’t accomplish by 50. He created classics, left a legacy, his family well taken care of and despite the drama his name is intact. Biggie lived his dash.

I always heard it’s not the day you’re born, it’s not the day you died, it’s what you do between those dates that matter… the dash. Our paths cross people of all walks of life whether it’s a mere glance or social intercourse we do leave an impression.

As I think about my life to date I ask myself, how have I lived my dash this far:

Have I hurt more than I’ve healed?

 Have I taken more than I’ve given?

Have I talked more than I’ve listened?

Have I hated more than I’ve loved?

If I was called at this very moment I would be comfortable with my dash:

 I learned and continue to learn from my mistakes

I apologize to those I have hurt

I love  those who love me and sometimes even those who don’t

I often give without expectation

I appreciate what is given

I try to be honest;

I try to help those that have less than I

I give my family a legacy of strength and determination

… Yes I am comfortable with my dash and this is just the short list.

 This by no means says I’m ready to go for there are still things I want to see and do. I will continue to feed my dash with positive thoughts and deeds.

As long as I am gifted with time I will live in the light that I was blessed with at birth.

You.. live your dash, remember how your loved ones who are not longer here lived theirs, they set the foundations for which you stand. Live your dash…soulfully yours

© Soulmuze 2012