As with any expedition you hit bumps in the road. When you do decisions comes into play… I’m so frustrated should I stop? Is this a sign? Or I can do this, I need to do this, I want to do this. Yes the inevitable fork in the road, two prongs or three it’s still a tough decision to be made.
So I hit that bump, you guessed it I took what I call “the light path” on this “configuration management expedition.” I need to do this! You see I worked to damn hard to lose what I did and I will let it be in vain! When we are faced with adversities it’s easier to run away than face the issue. This often leads to regrets: I should have, could have, would have as opposed to I did. Life is just one decision after another while you may not always make the best decisions they still have to be made.
The light path… sounds like a spiritual journey doesn’t it? Well for me it is. It’s more than numbers decreasing on a scale, it’s going back to my before. You see taking on this expedition requires one to think about what got you to this point in the first place. Yes as we get older our bodies change, but how we handle the change can make the difference. Unlike many women I can’t blame it on the birth of my daughter because guess what … I was like this pre-pregnancy. When I got pregnant I was so focused on not over doing it I managed my weight extremely well. Then after the birth of my daughter I lost whatever weight I had gained and guess what … I was right back at the starting point.
To start correcting my outward appearance I had to look inward and backward. What are my insecurities? How did I let others manipulate my mindset into accepting that it was okay to look like this? You see it’s not just about food, it’s emotional as well. My daughter’s father was okay with my appearance and I made it okay for me to please him… BIG mistake in so many ways (we aren’t together :-), I fear if we were I would look like Rasputia from Norbit, I may be exaggerating but ya never know). You see for some people it’s okay and I applaud them, as long as you are happy with yourself then I’m happy for you. But when you don’t like looking in a mirror, when you go shopping and only come home with underwear and shoes because the clothes can’t fit you, then there are issues that tissues can’t wipe away. It all boils down to personal satisfaction and acceptance of oneself; obviously I was not satisfied or accepting.
Another consideration for me is my daughter. Having my first child at the young age of 42, and I’m now 46 the importance of me being there for my daughter increased, how careless am I being with my weight? I need to take better care of myself for her so I can see her grow, be there for her and keep up with her. When your roll is called up yonder it will be called, but I don’t want my roll called because I didn’t take care of my body, my temple. Nor do I want to transmit my self-esteem issues to her. She needs to be strong and confident to deal with the naysayers of the world.
Now I have seen my light path on this amazing “configuration management expedition.” With each step on the path my self-esteem improves, the mirror becomes more of my friend than my enemy, I have a more positive outlook on my place on earth and love from someone other than God and my family doesn’t seem like light-years away. I still have issues and use plenty of tissues but everything becomes manageable over time. As we deal with those things we can control, we gain strength to deal with those things we cannot control.
My fork contains enough to help me stay on the light path. Hope your fork offers you the same positive serving.
© Soulmuze 2012
Soulful Storytellers LLC 