#Soulmuze #Soulspiration #MyNewJourneyBegins #SpillingInk #MySoulSpeaks #DeathChangesAll #lightpath #LostSouls #Hope
“A heart that is troubled shall be no more.
A soul that is lost will soon find its way.
A flicker of light will provide seas of hope.
May the sweet fragrance of flowers be constant reminder that true beauty is within.
Open your heart and release your light path.”
#Soulmuze #Soulspirations #MySoulSpeaks #SelfDiscovery #ChewOnThis #Pencils #Change #SpillingInkUsingLead #SpilledInk
The first $20 I ever made was performing at the Billie Holiday Theatre at the Restoration Plaza located in the Bedford-Stuyvesant section of Brooklyn. I played Peppermint Patty in “You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown” with my JHS Drama club. The entire cast was paid equally and it was amazing. I took that $20 and opened my first bank account at the now defunct Chemical Bank which was also in the Restore, that was in 1977. Kitura, Walter, Darryl, Yolanda, Lamar, Sheila, just to name a few of my cast mates; our Music/Drama teacher Ms. Powell who did all of this with/for us on her own dime, back then teachers gave of their personal time without per session pay.
I almost sound like Estelle Getty as Sophia Petrillo in the Golden Girls ‘Picture it: Brooklyn 1977…’ lol
What an amazing feeling! I remember we were all celebrities for our brief run on our very own little Bed-Stuy Broadway! Everything was about community back then.
To this day I still love the Peanuts gang. We enjoyed the stories and didn’t see their colors or gender identities, just kids; plain and simple.
I never realized the lessons I was learning thru it all: teamwork, patience, sharing the spotlight, finding our voices, recognizing our individual talents, encouraging each other and so much more.
There are so many things I loved about that musical but as I grow older the one thing that stands out the most is the ensemble song Happiness, the first line is “Happiness is finding a pencil.” It truly was for Charlie Brown for when the pretty little red headed girl dropped her pencil, he picked it up, saw teeth marks and knew she was human.
“I’m so happy. That little red-headed gril dropped her pencil.It has teeth marks all over it. She nibbles her pencil. She’s human! It hasn’t been such a bad day after all.” Charlie Brown, You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown
I have my own little chewed up pencil with it’s equally little eraser and I never hesitate to correct my mistakes, I’m only human.
My bite marks on the pencil represent the release of panic, anxiety and putting thought into my every action. When it’s needed and I’m ready (for change isn’t easy) I find my pencil , I erase and start over again with renewed confidence.
I save each worn down pencil to remind me of how far I have come, how much I have accomplished.
Happiness is finding pencil after pencil after pencil after pencil after…
Dedicated to one BAMF-CDC who has found his pencil after pencil after…
©️ Soulmuze 2018
“Time heals all wounds.”
Time… How much of it do we truly have? Wounds heal yet leave a scar to remind us of our injury. So how do we forgive for our scars never truly let us forget? As i think about all the jumbled pain I feel in an effort to find ways of reconciliation I come back to how much more time will I need to heal?
“We never know the day or the hour”
At this rate “When my roll is called up yonder” I will be transitioning with unforgiveness in my heart. Just the thought of that makes me a little more depressed. Many people could care less about letting go of anger, pain and heartbreak. For them it is all part of life, yes this is true, but do we want those things to become part of our death?
Holding on to these negative feelings kills a piece of you every day. The snowball rolls increasing in size and the more it grows so does the bitterness and disillusionment of ‘how wonderful life can be.’ It chips away at the possibility of fulfilling dreams in this life… To the best of our knowledge THIS is all we have.
“So you live, so you die..”
I don’t want to take the weight of unforgiveness anywhere, do you? How can we be pulled up into the rapture if our hearts are heavy? How can our spiritual souls travel the astral plains with weighted ankles?
“The longest Psalm has amen…”
We all have differing spiritual beliefs, despite those differences we share the common ground of wanting/needing to remove the weight of emotional pain. If we had the power to turn back time it would be to do things differently so we can release pain and increase love… Love ourselves, a person, a passion.
Time is not limitless, it’s precious and we waste so much of it…. So how do we begin to heal…
The journey of healing and releasing those weights will take on different forms: prayer, meditation, exercise, charity work, music, writing, traveling, speaking … It’s all about replacement. Whatever medium you choose never choose the path of indifference or self -destruction.
When you become indifferent there are no feelings left and you become even more hardened to the world. Those ankle weights rise up weighing down your calves, knees, thighs… You become firmly set, like cement, and you have given power to the darkness.
That darkness fuels your self-destruction… Covering those weights with drugs, alcohol, wanton behaviors that often end up leading to self-assisted death. Pain so deep that the strength to heal is overpowered by the desire to die. You take temporary solace in self-destructive behavior to quiet the voices in your head that remind you of pain and raise the voices of darkness that convince you to eliminate pain by repeating acts of self-destruction. Then one day the voices are no more, you are no more. Did it fix your problem or just extend the cycle of pain to the loved ones you have left grieving, wondering how could I have helped? Why didn’t I listen more, see more…?
“Life is filled with pain and disappointment.”
Oh yes it is, for some more than others. One thing that holds true once you work through the pain and disappointment you can find renewed strength. You can be a voice to others, the ears to listen, the arms to hug, the hope for someone else.
What you needed you can now offer to someone else. When you become an anchor for another they will become an anchor for you.
Back to the beginning…is it that time heals wounds? I guess that’s a personal assessment. the desire to heal starts within oneself and we must reach out to others so we will not rot within.
For me… My replacements are in motion and if they fail I will find better ones. I have no time to waste on people or things in which we don’t share a mutual level of value.
© Soulmuze 2015
Words cannot adequately describe how priceless my brother has become to me. Sounds strange? Well it was to me when I first discovered I had not one but two! I lived 35 years of my life believing I was an only child. Never truly feeling like I belonged with the family in which I was placed, yet grateful for the care I received.
I think back at the gaps, emptiness and differences I experienced no longer with resentment but with better understanding and seeking to gain more closure within myself. The brave woman who gave me life made sure never to forget me when she had to let me go. She physically released me yet kept me close to her heart. As she gave life to my siblings she made sure to place me in their hearts as well.
My mum had to let me go to ensure that I received the best that life had to offer without malice, or abandonment from my biological father (who embraced my brothers without a second thought).
My eldest brother harvested all that my mum embedded in him of me. As soon as he was able he set on a journey to find me and did just that. Traveling from the United Kingdom to the United States to unite with me…a sister he only knew from the images mum could describe since she only had me in her care from birth to age 3 with little to no photographs. His quest to find his older sister was greeted with tears, fears, hesitation then was wrapped in undeniable love.
Thirteen years after our initial encounter, only seeing each other four times within those years I cannot describe how much love I have for him. To see us together you would never know how distant our lives were. He’s everything I dreamed a brother would be and more. A phenomenal family man and I am forever grateful to him for giving me a piece of his heart and mending a piece in mine.
Written with unconditional love to you my brother, Sey, you connected the branch on my tree of life…
© Soulmuze 2013
“One thing I don’t need is anymore apologies! I got sorry greetin’ me at my front door!…” The unforgettable opening from Sorry in Ntozake Shange’s choreopoem ,“For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf”
We are all guilty of blurting out things in the heat of passion whether it is during love making or an argument.
Thoughts of what we said usually happen after we have released our words to the universe. ‘Geez, now what do I do?’ You have either torn someone down or set their expectations higher than you ever intended.
At a crossroads with your conscious you want to apologize, retract your statement but you ask yourself ‘is it too late?’ Have I crossed the river of no return? It’s truly hard to determine. We are taught to forgive and forget. I don’t buy into the forgetting portion too much. We must remember in order not to repeat or to recognize when it’s going to happen again, brace for impact and stop it in its track. Use it as an instructive lesson.
Now forgiving here’s the challenge for us all. You hurt me, lied to me, mislead me, omitted information that impacts our relationship and an apology is supposed to repair that? Do you think you can say and do whatever you want and clean it up with ‘sorry’ later? Is it sincere or just to pacify? All of this thought process is truly overwhelming yet it’s unavoidable, especially when the act creating the need to apologize is repeated.
As imperfect beings we need to be able to accept an apology whether it’s delivered minutes, hours, days or months later. It doesn’t mean we are weak but it allows us to put a lid on that pot. It helps to smolder the silent flame that burns within for the emotional disruption that was caused.
“Steada bein sorry alla the time enjoy bein yourself!” …the poem’s closing line. You know who and what you are so own up to it!
The actions of some are intentional, self-serving and being sorry is just who they are! It takes all kinds and there are many straight up sorry human beings. So do you stress yourself, expend unnecessary energy or do you just let it and them go? Easier said than done but the journey starts with a single, small step. Accept the apologies regardless of the sincerity, leave the burden on the one delivering the apology. Forgive yourself in the part you may have played (remember it takes two hands to clap). Make room to welcome positive energy and experiences into your fold.
© Soulmuze 2012
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