Category: Eclectic thoughts

No defined philosophy or elements, just random views and thoughts

How do you fill the Grand Canyon?

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

I have been battling with this topic for a few days. Not really sure if I worded my emotions right or truly captured the essence of what I’m trying to work through. Maybe if I sat down and spoke out loud with someone it may have been easier. But sometimes you can’t talk to anyone but yourself. So I sit in front of my reflection having a dialogue with myself…

Have you given much thought to who you are, where you are and what you want? Well I do every day and every day that view changes. One day I’m closer to closing the gaps in my life but either the same day or the next I feel stuck in a rut. The gaps don’t seem to decrease… what once was a fracture, transformed to a crack,  a pothole, then here comes the Grand Canyon.  How do you fill the Grand Canyon?!

We have so many needs and as each one is satisfied there is another created leaving you in a state of constant  unfullfillment.  *extended sighs* … Yet there are some needs so great that they become an obsession. If that obsessive need or needs are filled you can manage without the others; creating a state of contentment. One of the most unfulfilled and obsessive need revolves around the heart.  How do you explain the hole you have in your heart?

Many people like to say just be grateful for what you have, be patient and wait for the rest. I’m guilty of saying it as well. It’s like a safety statement when you’re at a loss for words yet must say something. What we often fail to recognize is it’s not ungratefulness by any means. It’s a desire to feel some sort of completion.

The gaps in your core come from dreams and expectations you built up from childhood. Once you recognize the gaps you commit yourself to break the cycle. Being passionate about change keeps you on your grind to become and implement that change.  

You believe if you had the power to change the gaps in your childhood it would have made you an even better person as an adult. You never know for sure but if it’s your belief then it can become your obsession.

My gaps could be a result of being raised by a single parent, lack of open communication, lack of trust, lack of true and honest love, not fitting in, not having a solid relationship with my parent,  questioning my identity… doesn’t mean that I need a baggage handler, or you should run in the other direction, despite the gaps I’m keeping in together…trust!

If you can find a source to close the gap you gain more confidence and slowly you begin to fill the Grand Canyon of emptiness. Now there is always a spiritual component yet no matter how much you believe, it may not be enough.

People who are content with their lives easily spew “let go, let God.” but they are never around when I have emotionally let go and tears of despair are drowning me in the Grand Canyon. They don’t understand or maybe just don’t care because it’s really not their problem. Or maybe they deal with their gaps by pretending they don’t exist, rotting inside until one day it becomes too much to bare then boom! Or they abuse others since misery often loves company.

It’s truly hard to explain for some things have to be experienced. Even then they may not get it for no two experiences are ever exactly the same. Seeking to close the gaps often results in making decisions that make it even worse. Taking short cuts, accepting of things we know are wrong… We see this every day, no examples necessary, think about it… bad flashbacks but lets press forward shall we,

So how do I fill the Grand Canyon? Writing often helps me find answers or ways to cope with a situation. Sad to say I’m stumped on this one. I question if my dreams will ever truly be fulfilled, if not why won’t God just tell me so I can stop waiting. Or is He telling me and I’m not listening because I don’t want to believe I’m not worthy of the simple promises of love and life. This all may sound like mindless babble but it’s not. Anyone who thinks it is really can’t help me, help myself. The are probably looking at life through those infamous rose colored glasses, can’t see the forest through the trees or whatever that damn cliché is.

So what’s next? I can fill the Grand Canyon by packing up those gaps with cement and just go through life like a mechanical maniac. Hardened, insensitive and cold … sounds like a plan… but that’s not me by any means. Seems the more you search within yourself the greater the hole gets.

That’s where you are sadly mistaken. The more you search inside the greater your capacity to find your truths, healing yourself and most importantly you stop the expansion of the canyon. Every little pebble, or grain of sand you add is one step closer to fulfillment. We like to rush change but we must remember the gap started as a fracture. So the time it took to create the gap will be double the time to resolve.

We should not be disillusioned or discouraged when answers don’t come into full view immediately. Be enlightened by the time required for you will learn so much more than the time you have lost. When your Grand Canyon is filled it’s a permanent closure as opposed to a mere Band-Aid.

…The reflection still doesn’t fully satisfy my question yet gives me other avenues to focus on, mainly patience, learning and don’t let go… hmmm letting go seems so much easier, but not an option… When all is said and done maybe I can’t help myself but I can be a catalyst for change and resolution to someone else.

© Soulmuze 2012

Thoughts at a Passion Party

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

There are so many places we go, things we support and do without a second thought. I recently attended a “Passion Party,” you know what I’m talking about. They are called by varying names depending on the franchise but it all boils down to a sexual enhancement purchase party.

This was the first one I attended and I must say it was fun. The ladies in attendance really know how to bring life to any room, and the product demonstrations added to the evening LMAO!. My first rule of the evening was “I’m not going to the bathroom to try anything. TMI!” … moving right along.

As we played games, laughed, tasted edible lotions and watched interesting gadgets of varying sizes my mind briefly wandered. Not to that of sexual fantasies but more towards the need for these toys and how it aligns with passion and pampering. At the event I was the only single woman. As I listened to the others I learned their view on intimacy and the role these items played within their respective relationships. Just like eating food we add different things to spice up the taste, same goes for incorporating items to fulfill your sexual fantasies. Yet, as a single, I had a different thought; status always alters one’s views…

Women have needs regardless of their relationship status. These products fill the void for the single or enhance it for the involved. As a single how long does the satisfaction of this artificial enhancement truly last? They are supposed to serve as place holder yet they become full out replacements for many. I hear many women praise their bullets and rabbits more than they say they long for physical intimacy or love their mate.

The role these products once played has evolved from adding a little creativity between lovers to being a replacement for the single or unsatisfied woman. It takes me to over think some damn sex toys but I really couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop the thoughts, is this the road I have to travel as a single woman? Once I start taking that trip will I just say fuck it, this works for me? Throw in a couple of cats or a pocketbook dog and keep it moving? Yes I am dramatic but remember I’m also sensitive and still have a smidgen of hope in fairy tales.

Will “Bob” (battery operated boyfriend) be my life partner? Pros: he will be ready on spot, go wherever I ask him, no arguments as long as I keep him charged up and loyal until his dying day. Cons: can’t talk to me, kiss me, hold me, look me in my eyes and tell me how good I feel, tell me how good ‘it’ is, can’t laugh with me or wipe my tears, and the list goes on.

Bob cannot give me anything that defines true passion that’s found when engaging with another human being. Passion is beyond an orgasm; it’s an amorous feeling or desire. Pampering is to treat or gratify often with extreme indulgence. Hmmm is this mechanical water resistant tool truly enough to satisfy my passion and pamper me? The tool that gives me what I yearn is attached to a full bodied man who’s hips move rhythmically with mine. One who wraps his strong arms around me, as we create a moment that will be unlike the previous and not as good as the next one to come. The warmth from two bodies each one caressing the other, appreciating the curves whether they are large or small, and if only for that moment in time extending a feeling of sheer amorous perfection. Don’t think that Bob can do all of that, do you?

I mean beyond the toy what good are edible lotions if I have to eat them myself? Or candles that melt into massage oils for me to massage myself? I don’t see any fun in that. Bob may get me off, but really the annoying buzzing and clicking a button to change the speed to increase pleasure… mechanical love making? Bad enough some men are mechanical, but damn at least you have a chance to teach them. Bob will never be anything more than an instrument, a man-made reminder that the extent of my sexual satisfaction is dependent on Duracell, Energizer or whatever triple-A’s are on the market.

Now, I’m not knocking the hustle, sex sells in all forms! If there weren’t a demand then the market wouldn’t exist. These items are the sole provider of sexual satisfaction for many singles and that’s all good … for them but for right now I don’t think it’s enough for me. As silly as this may sound, a knock-off to get-off just won’t do! LOL  Maybe one day I will be a full out convert, just not today.

In the meantime, I will still enjoy the banter of the ladies at the Passion Party, laugh at the gadgets and enjoy the games. After all it’s still a party…

© Soulmuze 2012

Emotional me

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

All my life I have been sensitive. One would think that I would become hardened by the many times I have been blindsided, played, used or whatever you choose to describe it. I can’t blame anyone but myself for those pitfalls. Most of the time I guess I saw it coming but chose to ignore it. Why? Because I want to believe in the goodness of people instead of accepting things for what they truly were/are.

♦ “She faced the hardest times you can imagine, and many times her eyes fall back the tears…” ♦

Like I said despite that I’m still extremely sensitive. I have tried to stay separated from others emotionally (with the exception of my family). Separated from loving, caring or trying to understand them, their pain and it continues to be … an epic fail! I have hurt people both intentional and unintentional. Yes, intentional so they can feel what they made me feel. Did they learn from it? Most likely, no, you can’t learn if you don’t truly care. Did I learn from it? Yes! The reward of revenge was short lived. It didn’t alleviate my pain, it worsened it. The pain they caused me was enhanced by the guilt of my revenge. While I tried not to care and separate myself I couldn’t. I was designed that way so the best thing is to accept, embrace and work with it.

♦ “And when her youthful world was about to fall in, each time her slender shoulders, ror the weight of all her tears, and a sorrow no one hears, still rings in midnight silence in her ears…” ♦

So I work through it, being emotional is what defines me. I was given a good heart which many lack. I wear my emotions on my sleeves, everyone can’t have a poker face; on rare occasions I luck out with a successful poker face but that’s too few and too far between.

Tears are like air for me, ever present and ready to flow. Happy, sad, proud, frustrated, angry, watching a movie, reading a book, watching the news, hearing of someone’s pain or misfortune… If our tears are God’s oceans then with me there is never a drought! While I have no choice but to accept my sensitivity it can be slightly embarrassing. When  I hear how great my children are or I get a text message bearing bad news or one of sweet words (those definitely don’t come enough), or my baby says me she loves me… my eyes get all watery… yeah I know it’s a bit much and beyond my control.

You see emotional me is just a sign of my humbleness. I have been blessed with many talents that I share and gifts that I appreciate. I know my quality and worth yet I am not cocky about it. Let me say I do have my moments of puffing out my chest but my humble reactions far exceed that peacock pride. Some people are recognized and complimented so much it’s their air but me, I’m not. So when I get it toward myself or my family I’m often humbled to tears and hold that morsel close to my heart. When people experience pain or a loss I’m humbled to tears because I have or may experience it at some point.

Emotional me is a rough and often a lonely road. Many don’t or can’t understand my reactions. It’s often viewed as childish, ‘you’re too emotional’, ‘it’s not that serious’, etc., the audacity of those who belittle my emotions… while I no longer expect  to be understood it still can be quite upsetting. It seems people would quicker accept if I were indifferent or hid behind a mask so we can waste time trying to figure out each other’s feelings. Well when I reach the point of indifference your existence doesn’t matter to me and we live in a world a masked avengers why must we proliferate it within what we consider true relationships.

Yes emotional me is an emotional extremist. Why not? I’m not an empty person so why keep empty people around.

♦ “Let her cry, for she’s a lady, let her dream for she’s a child, let the rain fall down upon her, she’s a free and gentle flower growing wild” ♦

Emotional me is all I know how to be. When you come across someone who is emotional don’t be afraid. That’s the one who may give you their heart, share your pain, remind you that you are not alone and will hold you in their arms all night even if it only brings you the smallest amount comfort… Besides isn’t that what God does for us…

♦ Song lyrics from Wildflower by New Birth

© Soulmuze 2012

Dream backwards

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

I believe in the power and the messages that are sent thru sleeping visions or dreams. They are not to be discarded but to be respected and placed in what I call a “dream vault” for you may have to reference them later. Every dream may not be directed to you, it can also be towards those who surround you. Their energy infiltrates yours like a lightning bolt and your sleeping visions cross into their zone. The more those people become imbedded in your life, the more they will blend into your energy super highway.

It’s not always clear who the dreams is directed towards but retain them anyway. Write them down, keyword, colors, landmarks, anything that jumps out to you. Recently my sleeping vision told me to “dream backwards.” Confused? Well I was until I prayed on it (yes I pray, if I didn’t I would be dead in so many ways).

Dream backwards, dream backwards, dream … I got it! This year marked a ten year anniversary of change in my life. So I needed to now look back ten years, evaluate where I was then, compare it to now and only then can I face forward for the next ten. What a reflection I had to face, it was a hard but truthful look. I had made significant strides with so much of my life but the one thing that remained the same are some of my relationships.

I saw changing participants yet it’s still a game. Ten years and still I’m just a token on some people’s board game. A token that only gets moved when the right card is pulled. The token that only lands in the right square if the dice is rolled to the right number. So what now? How much have I really improved with respects to me, decisions and associations if I’m still a token on a game board with other tokens? Am I also putting people on a game board? Or maybe I’m not, and should be just to make it an even match. But if I don’t like the position for myself, I can’t do it to others just because… I wasn’t designed that way, and if I redesign myself to play the game I will degrade the quality of who I am.

Dream backwards… Those I have encountered in the ten year journey have gained so much from me yet I have lost so much with them. Or did I really lose? Was the role I played my destiny? I won’t deny feelings of regrets, resentment and just being angry. I did learn but not as much as I have lost, I have to say ‘lost’ because right now that’s what I feel. Maybe it will change, but just not today.

Dream backwards… Now that I have looked back, how do I proceed forward? That’s a question I throw out to the universe and wait for a sleeping vision to guide me. As I have glanced back, and looked forward I will retain ‘hope’ for change. I’m not big on ‘hope’ as it has just lead to a bottomless pit of disappointment, however, I will try to rebuild it into my vocabulary. As I write this I think maybe it should be permanently replaced with ‘faith.’ Faith, that I will transition from a token to a priceless gift that will be cherished and maintained with the delicacy of an ancient artifact or a painting. Faith that I will not revert and sacrifice my quality to create a game board for others, for that will translate to revenge. Faith, that whenever I dream backwards I will see growth and be lifted like a feather to glide forward. Faith, that the power of my thoughts, words and deeds will help others to be graced with loyalty, love, kindness and timeless appreciation.

Yes, I will replace ‘hope’ with ‘faith’ as I call out to the ultimate power of the universe, the Most High, the Almighty who knows the purpose He has for me. It will not be easy, for disenchantment has a hold on me, but faith will get me thorough as I wait for more sleeping visions… dreams… to guide my way.

I have completed the journey at hand to dream backwards, now I prepare to dream forward.

 Faithfully and soulfully me…

© Soulmuze 2012

WOW…

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

No matter how prepared you think you are, you always seem to get caught out there.  Every time it happens you think ‘WOW! I should have known better’ or  ‘WOW! What the hell was I thinking?!’

When caught in the “WOW” we  tend to be emotionally confused, should we cry, laugh, bang our head against the wall or just beat someone’s ass! All of your emotions come into play at one time and you feel like a deer in headlights…! You know the saying “the more things change the more they stay the same,” I would like to think it’s not true but so said so done.

Then they say “change the players, change the game.” WOW, now that sounds like a plan, the players change, new strategy and guess what the same outcome. “WOW” Guess we missed the loophole in the clause… the mentality of the players! It’s like the old commercial “oops I should’ve had a V-8” as you pop yourself in the head (dated myself with that one).

It seems that no matter our experiences some feel that it is fitting to continue with the same behaviors. With each experience there should be some positive growth but instead many find a way to justify their behavior, making the wrong seem right, holding on to the same mentality. Now, how much hurt or disappointment do you have to distribute or receive before you realize that you should reconsider your behavior… thought process? Everyone else’s experience is not yours and do you believe you will have a lifetime of ‘free passes’? Karma is real. Being an avid attendee at church doesn’t eradicate your sins. It’s your actions that dictate your standing, please believe it!

These WOW moments are coming fast and furious yet people don’t want to change their thought process. Look at the news: racial justification for murder; women being beaten and abused; sex trafficking of children; our judicial system with laws that are modified by the color of your skin; our children can tell you every sexual position and are having babies like rabbits, they don’t have examples of solid relationship, the value of marriage, family or appreciate the value of their community; and so on and so on…

Getting caught in the WOW is really disturbing and really making me become more disillusioned with mankind overall. We are far from perfect and are born with the gift of choice. Why do we continue with the same thinking that lends itself to the same negative behavior?  WOW, are we all just insane? (lol).  I clearly understand “when people say if I knew then what I know now.” So if you know it now, than act on it now, is the past behavior that sweet that you must continue to fuel it? Changing your mentality may lead you to creating sweeter moments beyond your imagination, making a small positive change that may be big to another person or the next generation.

Why do we belittle other people’s feelings? I’m so confuzzled by that too! You may not agree or understand how they feel, but damn don’t always chalk it up to being dramatic or stupid. Someone told me I was a fool to ever think that things will ever be better or I would ever get better… WOW, well a fool I will be, since it’s better than being an all out selfish asshole. Not everyone in the world let’s things roll like water off a duck’s back. I’m still hoping that one day I will have better faith in mankind, but based on what I read, hear and feel, it won’t be today…

© Soulmuze 2012

Living the dream!

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

The other day I asked my friend “How are you doing?”  The response, “Living the dream!” I chuckled and we continued our conversation. Since then those words have been echoing in my head forcing me to question, “Am I living the dream?”

Every way I twist the question the answer is “ABSOLUTELY YES!”. For a minute or two my answer was leaning towards a strong no. However, the more I thought about it I realized that I am. We often default to no because we have so many dreams that go unfulfilled. We focus on what we didn’t accomplish, what we didn’t purchase, where we didn’t travel, etc. You know all the things that do not truly define what we need for our existence. The dreams that are fulfilled are defined first by what we need. IF our wants align with our needs we are even more satisfied.

I really needed to think this thru, so I created a short list of my wants versus needs:

Wants:

I want to travel with my family

I want to drive a nice care

I want to help those less fortunate.

I want to have a successful business

I want to create a positive legacy

I want retire early

I want to live long enough to see my youngest complete her education and start a career

Needs:

I need to keep a roof over my family’s head.

I need to keep food on the family table.

I need to keep clothes on my family’s back.

I need to work.

I need to appreciate the sacrifices of others.

I need to be patient.

I need to keep and always have faith.

I need to spend quality time with my family and those few true blue friends.

What’s truly amazing all my needs are being meet and they help satisfy my wants. Let me repeat, that was my short list, but at a glance how’s that for living the dream! I have so many unfulfilled dreams but they are not to be considered “deferred” for as Langston Hughes wrote:

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up

like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore–

And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?

Or crust and sugar over–

like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags

like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?”

My dreams will be fulfilled whether I do it, my family or my community. You see we need to expand dream building and fulfillment beyond ourselves, encompass your village. If one person fulfills a dream that you weren’t able to accomlish celebrate because it didn’t die! If you think about your ancestors, or better yet the movie Roots. Each generation made it one step further in fulfilling the dream. Where one failed the next picked up and moved forward. Epic journeys ran like a race. Each person charged with completing a certain distance then passing the baton to the next to move forward; the magic of creating legacies, each building on the success of the one prior.

Every day we see the light. Every night we see the darkness we have completed another step on Jacob’s ladder.

Who would have thought the simple 3 word response would have stimulated so much thought and re-evaluation of oneself. We also learn in those words the value of surrounding yourself with positive people.

On your darkest day, in the darkest hour, the right words can give you so much strength and power.

Yes, I am living the dream! Nightmares are only temporary; they will not define or deter me from sharing my talents and celebrating those who live theirs!

In the end the only secret you keep is immortality, or is it?

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

We all have secrets both good and bad. Are keeping secrets healthy? Are they necessary? Well the good secrets are okay since the intention is to reveal them with a smile.

We often think what we don’t know won’t hurt us but when truth comes to light it’s a whole new ball game.

More often than not we think secrets or deception is the best way. Who are we truly protecting? No one. Who do we hurt? Everyone. Secrets are like untreated wounds the longer they stay the worse it becomes. They fester, get infected and you can lose a part or all of yourself.

Often times we keep secrets to avoid hurting those we love. If we truly love would we have put ourselves in a position to have a hurtful secret? Hurt is hurt. Pain is pain. Keeping information does not cancel out the emotional impact. As a matter of fact the longer you keep a secret the greater the pain it can cause.  Time helps us cope with all wounds so why delay the process.

Parents don’t hide truths from your children. Say a prayer then share. You set the stage for what children will do when they become adults. You teach your children not to lie yet you keep vital information from them. Then in death it is revealed and the scars you leave behind can never be addressed. You are no longer physically present to help them understand the what’s and why’s… irreparable damage

The importances of secrets lead to the creation of various government agencies. They are designed to protect us from what we don’t know, to keep us controlled and from overall mass hysteria that may result from knowing our impending doom, mMakes sense? Despite those agencies people are still losing their minds over conspiracy theories; plots to wipe out an entire race; satanic orders, etc. When 9/11 occurred secrets were revealed too late which could have lead to saving the lives of thousands. This is all speculation, but you never know and we never will… or will we?

If we spent less time with our head in the sand we may be better equipped to handle threats of terrorism, Mother Nature’s outbursts or man’s mistakes when they attempt to play God.

Again, these are just thoughts that run through my mind with no definitive answers. If you are a believer of God you know your book of law whether you call it The Bible, Torah, Quran, etc., revels the beginning, the middle and the ‘end’ or rebirth of days. We have all heard of the ‘lost books’ which are said to be hidden in an undisclosed (secret) location. If they are hidden they are not lost and we are being deprived of valuable life lessons.

Wearing masks and providing selective information yet we are always being  ‘real and honest.’ Our judicial system works on the premise of ‘telling the whole truth and  nothing but the truth’, kind of ironic isn’t it. Guess it actually translates to what you think is true to you and not actually what is. Hence, the wrongful conviction of the innocent and freedom of the guilty (often those who are charged to protect us).

No matter how you slice it over time truths are revealed so the only person you fool in the end is yourself.

Is the only secret you take to your grave is that of immortality? Do good deeds to help mankind, establish a foundation of positive values, train our children in the way they should go, give honestly, talk openly… These behaviors create a legacy and become a practice that can be repeated generation after generation and this I believe is the secret to immortality…

© Soulmuze 2012

Live your dash

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

Today marks the assassination of Christopher Wallace aka Biggie Smalls. I can remember the phone call that rattled my slumber. As fresh as the gun powder, as hot as the bullet, news travelled Biggie was shot. Part of his crew lived on Washington Avenue (Clinton Hill side) in my girlfriends’ building so before the news wire was out we knew what went down.  

Biggie left marks like you could never imagined. Every man, woman, child of all ages knew and still know Big Poppa!  Gone at 24 Biggie left a mark most can’t accomplish by 50. He created classics, left a legacy, his family well taken care of and despite the drama his name is intact. Biggie lived his dash.

I always heard it’s not the day you’re born, it’s not the day you died, it’s what you do between those dates that matter… the dash. Our paths cross people of all walks of life whether it’s a mere glance or social intercourse we do leave an impression.

As I think about my life to date I ask myself, how have I lived my dash this far:

Have I hurt more than I’ve healed?

 Have I taken more than I’ve given?

Have I talked more than I’ve listened?

Have I hated more than I’ve loved?

If I was called at this very moment I would be comfortable with my dash:

 I learned and continue to learn from my mistakes

I apologize to those I have hurt

I love  those who love me and sometimes even those who don’t

I often give without expectation

I appreciate what is given

I try to be honest;

I try to help those that have less than I

I give my family a legacy of strength and determination

… Yes I am comfortable with my dash and this is just the short list.

 This by no means says I’m ready to go for there are still things I want to see and do. I will continue to feed my dash with positive thoughts and deeds.

As long as I am gifted with time I will live in the light that I was blessed with at birth.

You.. live your dash, remember how your loved ones who are not longer here lived theirs, they set the foundations for which you stand. Live your dash…soulfully yours

© Soulmuze 2012

Thank you…

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

As I listen to Estelle’s “Thank You” I’m thinking wow in 4 minutes and 47 seconds she has captured my feelings on past relationships.

More often than not, the ones that mean something to you end as a result of one of you not being enough for other. Can’t really say who’s to blame but instead of gracefully writing off the chapter some find  it easier to cheat. When relationships end on a cheating note each person questions what they brought or didn’t bring to the table. Too much of one thing, not enough of another so a third party is pulled in to fill the gaps. Ultimately the gaps that we’re attempting to fill actually widen and become more complex.

Relationships can’t be handled like juggling balls in a circus act. It requires focus and dedication. I don’t like to use the term work, then it take on a laborious context. It’s an exercise of patience, empathy, compromise, just plain old wholesome love. Any dissenting behavior in this exercise leads to failure.

“Thank you for making me the woman I am…” croons Estelle

Think about that sentence. Look at yourself, then your friends. What are their views on relationships? Now let’s change one word…

Thank you for making me the “man” I am…

Yes, men are victims too…

In many cases that ‘thank you’ is pretty damn harsh. Thank you for making me miserable, a bitch, selfish, disillusioned, untrusting, non-committal… What do you say, ‘you’re welcome, anytime, it was a pleasure to hurt you…’

How many people do you know who refuse to be in a monogamous relationships, just can’t be bothered with the opposite sex, nasty, gold digging, switched to their own team, etc, etc. Do you truly believe the behavior or view of relationships evolved without provocation?

It’s hard for me to believe they were born that way, well maybe some, but come on the majority, really? Our views on relationships are defined by our parents, our childhood, our environment and mostly our experiences.

When we repeatedly have bad relationships we use them as a foundation for the next (this applies to both platonic and intimate relationships).  It’s like transitioning from an open road innocent and free; to adding cat eyes, just to help you see in the dark; adding guard rails, don’t want to go off sides; adding yield signs, think I need to pull back a little; adding stop signs, pump my brakes; adding stop lights, alright now something is not right; then when all the safety gear fails the full wall is resurrected, eventually shutting down the road altogether.

It’s important to look in before looking out. Consider what you have done to enable the negativity in the relationships. Review your choices carefully. Maybe the compromises you made to have someone in your life were not good for you. Desperate times do not always call for desperate measures.

Now..

Let’s reverse everything, make the Thank you positive

Thank you for making recognize what I should not compromise on
Thank you for making me stronger
Thank you for helping me recognize my own faults
Thank you for making me a better woman or man for the next one
Thank you for making me see I need to love me

Our first instinct is always negative and that’s okay, yet it’s important to pull out lessons learned about ‘you’. While you will always have a slightly bitter taste in your mouth for those failed relationships remember not to forget what they taught you… remembering makes that failure a success for you!

© Soulmuze 2012

As I watch my father…

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

As I watch the man I loved, feared, respected and sometimes even hated, it gives way to the thought of growing old. It’s an unavoidable process no matter how much the medical community tries to delay.

I wonder what goes through his mind as it is no longer easy for him to communicate. I see the frustration in his eyes as he tries to reconcile that he can no longer do it by himself. His independence is diminishing and he says “I never thought I would be like this.” He turns toward me with tears in his eyes and asks, “What do you think I should do?” As I take a deep breath in an effort to keep it together I think ‘wow I used to ask you that question and you always had an answer.’ I, normally full of words, am rendered momentarily speechless.

Funny I never realized how heavy that question was until my parent asked it of me. Now the child who relied on the parent for guidance must now guide the parent. “No need for tears Dad so far you have been given life far beyond many, 86 and only a few weeks to 87.” He smiles and gives a little chuckle that becomes a priceless gift to be retained.

I still have yet to answer, then like a burst of light a calming spirit washes over me, “All you have to do is make peace within yourself. You have spent your entire life hustling, helping others often neglecting your own. Now at this stage in your journey sit back, let go of your regrets, fears, disappointments, mistakes as they become irrelevant. Ask that when you are called it will be when you are at your purist.” He turns to me and says “Thank you.” The tears he first cried were of sadness, these were now of joy.

My daughter Quinn, 4 years old, comes into the room with two pictures for her grandpa one of a rainbow, the other of flowers and butterflies. As they are placed by his bedside she says “I made them just for you so you can see all the pretty colors.” Her timing could not have been better. His smile radiated like a blinding light, he responds “That’s my Lady Perkins.”

Quinn’s pictures brought one of my favorite songs from The Wiz to mind, Be A Lion…

“There is a place we’ll go where there is mostly quiet. Flowers and butterflies a rainbow lives beside it. And from a velvet sky a summer storm. You can feel the coolness in the air but you’re still warm…If on courage you must call then just keep on tryin’ and tryin’ and tryin’. You’re a lion, in your own way be a lion.”

We must be strong as we prepare for life’s transitions. They were not made to be easy, for anything gotten too easy is often taken for granted. Growing old, what was once a natural expectation is now more of a gift than ever before. The privilege of old age, having the opportunity to see the amazing transitions implemented at the hands of man based on talents gifted by God.

 It’s hard watching the slow degeneration of a person but it is worse to lose them in the early years.  While my father has to find peace within him, I too must find it within me. To let go of any anger I may hold against him. To let go of the tragedies that may have been avoided had he been there. Unlike many I was able to find strength in all of my adversities.  Here is my peace for it lies within my strength.

I was born a Lion, and I will always be a Lion

© Soulmuze 2012