Month: May 2012

How do you fill the Grand Canyon?

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

I have been battling with this topic for a few days. Not really sure if I worded my emotions right or truly captured the essence of what I’m trying to work through. Maybe if I sat down and spoke out loud with someone it may have been easier. But sometimes you can’t talk to anyone but yourself. So I sit in front of my reflection having a dialogue with myself…

Have you given much thought to who you are, where you are and what you want? Well I do every day and every day that view changes. One day I’m closer to closing the gaps in my life but either the same day or the next I feel stuck in a rut. The gaps don’t seem to decrease… what once was a fracture, transformed to a crack,  a pothole, then here comes the Grand Canyon.  How do you fill the Grand Canyon?!

We have so many needs and as each one is satisfied there is another created leaving you in a state of constant  unfullfillment.  *extended sighs* … Yet there are some needs so great that they become an obsession. If that obsessive need or needs are filled you can manage without the others; creating a state of contentment. One of the most unfulfilled and obsessive need revolves around the heart.  How do you explain the hole you have in your heart?

Many people like to say just be grateful for what you have, be patient and wait for the rest. I’m guilty of saying it as well. It’s like a safety statement when you’re at a loss for words yet must say something. What we often fail to recognize is it’s not ungratefulness by any means. It’s a desire to feel some sort of completion.

The gaps in your core come from dreams and expectations you built up from childhood. Once you recognize the gaps you commit yourself to break the cycle. Being passionate about change keeps you on your grind to become and implement that change.  

You believe if you had the power to change the gaps in your childhood it would have made you an even better person as an adult. You never know for sure but if it’s your belief then it can become your obsession.

My gaps could be a result of being raised by a single parent, lack of open communication, lack of trust, lack of true and honest love, not fitting in, not having a solid relationship with my parent,  questioning my identity… doesn’t mean that I need a baggage handler, or you should run in the other direction, despite the gaps I’m keeping in together…trust!

If you can find a source to close the gap you gain more confidence and slowly you begin to fill the Grand Canyon of emptiness. Now there is always a spiritual component yet no matter how much you believe, it may not be enough.

People who are content with their lives easily spew “let go, let God.” but they are never around when I have emotionally let go and tears of despair are drowning me in the Grand Canyon. They don’t understand or maybe just don’t care because it’s really not their problem. Or maybe they deal with their gaps by pretending they don’t exist, rotting inside until one day it becomes too much to bare then boom! Or they abuse others since misery often loves company.

It’s truly hard to explain for some things have to be experienced. Even then they may not get it for no two experiences are ever exactly the same. Seeking to close the gaps often results in making decisions that make it even worse. Taking short cuts, accepting of things we know are wrong… We see this every day, no examples necessary, think about it… bad flashbacks but lets press forward shall we,

So how do I fill the Grand Canyon? Writing often helps me find answers or ways to cope with a situation. Sad to say I’m stumped on this one. I question if my dreams will ever truly be fulfilled, if not why won’t God just tell me so I can stop waiting. Or is He telling me and I’m not listening because I don’t want to believe I’m not worthy of the simple promises of love and life. This all may sound like mindless babble but it’s not. Anyone who thinks it is really can’t help me, help myself. The are probably looking at life through those infamous rose colored glasses, can’t see the forest through the trees or whatever that damn cliché is.

So what’s next? I can fill the Grand Canyon by packing up those gaps with cement and just go through life like a mechanical maniac. Hardened, insensitive and cold … sounds like a plan… but that’s not me by any means. Seems the more you search within yourself the greater the hole gets.

That’s where you are sadly mistaken. The more you search inside the greater your capacity to find your truths, healing yourself and most importantly you stop the expansion of the canyon. Every little pebble, or grain of sand you add is one step closer to fulfillment. We like to rush change but we must remember the gap started as a fracture. So the time it took to create the gap will be double the time to resolve.

We should not be disillusioned or discouraged when answers don’t come into full view immediately. Be enlightened by the time required for you will learn so much more than the time you have lost. When your Grand Canyon is filled it’s a permanent closure as opposed to a mere Band-Aid.

…The reflection still doesn’t fully satisfy my question yet gives me other avenues to focus on, mainly patience, learning and don’t let go… hmmm letting go seems so much easier, but not an option… When all is said and done maybe I can’t help myself but I can be a catalyst for change and resolution to someone else.

© Soulmuze 2012

What defines you as a mother…

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Poetry

the nurturing discipline you provide when they start to slide
the understanding ear you give them when they come to you to share
the emptiness you feel when they are away
the joy of celebrating their birthday
the things they teach you that you thought you already knew
the love and sensitivity they bring out in you
the new found patience you never thought you had

These things and more define unlike any other
A friend, a confident, the role of a mother
It’s beyond birthing in so many ways.
It’s unselfish acts you give until the end of days.

What defines you as a mother
It’s not always clear
But you know you must always be there

It’s far from easy and often times lonely too
Nonetheless once tasked you must follow thru

What defines you as a mother is truly hard to say
but once you’re labelled as one it’s a title that can’t be taken away

© Soulmuze 2012

I want to…

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Poetry

In matters of love whether you are young or old, experienced or not you will feel this way. You know but you don’t, not sure or won’t. It’s confusing in so many ways. What’s worse is you should just ask and hopefully he or she will answer honestly. However your fear of not getting the answer you seek keeps you from asking. Why do we subject ourselves to unnecessary emotional roller coasters? Wouldn’t you rather know the truth? Time is precious so why waste it on what you think someone feels instead of investing it in what you know. Don’t be afraid to know, let go or hold on to that which is true.

 I want to tell you how much I love you

I want you to hold me tight

I want to hear you say that you were thinking about me all day and can’t wait to see me tonight.

I want to feel the warmth of your breath on the back of my neck

I want you to brush away my tears and say ‘if you need me I will be here’

I want you to whisper my name over and over again

I want to see your smile every moment in time

I want to wake up with you everyday

I want to just hold your hand

I want the world to know you love me and won’t let go

Overwhelmed with ‘wants’ not sure if you feel the same

I don’t believe they are selfish or one-sided or are they?

I want to know if I feel all these things alone

I want to know if I should continue to stay or go

I want to have my feelings reciprocated

I want it delivered in words solidified by actions

I want to know that the feelings are true

I want to know, do you love me the way I’m loving you?

 © Soulmuze 2012

Thoughts at a Passion Party

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

There are so many places we go, things we support and do without a second thought. I recently attended a “Passion Party,” you know what I’m talking about. They are called by varying names depending on the franchise but it all boils down to a sexual enhancement purchase party.

This was the first one I attended and I must say it was fun. The ladies in attendance really know how to bring life to any room, and the product demonstrations added to the evening LMAO!. My first rule of the evening was “I’m not going to the bathroom to try anything. TMI!” … moving right along.

As we played games, laughed, tasted edible lotions and watched interesting gadgets of varying sizes my mind briefly wandered. Not to that of sexual fantasies but more towards the need for these toys and how it aligns with passion and pampering. At the event I was the only single woman. As I listened to the others I learned their view on intimacy and the role these items played within their respective relationships. Just like eating food we add different things to spice up the taste, same goes for incorporating items to fulfill your sexual fantasies. Yet, as a single, I had a different thought; status always alters one’s views…

Women have needs regardless of their relationship status. These products fill the void for the single or enhance it for the involved. As a single how long does the satisfaction of this artificial enhancement truly last? They are supposed to serve as place holder yet they become full out replacements for many. I hear many women praise their bullets and rabbits more than they say they long for physical intimacy or love their mate.

The role these products once played has evolved from adding a little creativity between lovers to being a replacement for the single or unsatisfied woman. It takes me to over think some damn sex toys but I really couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop the thoughts, is this the road I have to travel as a single woman? Once I start taking that trip will I just say fuck it, this works for me? Throw in a couple of cats or a pocketbook dog and keep it moving? Yes I am dramatic but remember I’m also sensitive and still have a smidgen of hope in fairy tales.

Will “Bob” (battery operated boyfriend) be my life partner? Pros: he will be ready on spot, go wherever I ask him, no arguments as long as I keep him charged up and loyal until his dying day. Cons: can’t talk to me, kiss me, hold me, look me in my eyes and tell me how good I feel, tell me how good ‘it’ is, can’t laugh with me or wipe my tears, and the list goes on.

Bob cannot give me anything that defines true passion that’s found when engaging with another human being. Passion is beyond an orgasm; it’s an amorous feeling or desire. Pampering is to treat or gratify often with extreme indulgence. Hmmm is this mechanical water resistant tool truly enough to satisfy my passion and pamper me? The tool that gives me what I yearn is attached to a full bodied man who’s hips move rhythmically with mine. One who wraps his strong arms around me, as we create a moment that will be unlike the previous and not as good as the next one to come. The warmth from two bodies each one caressing the other, appreciating the curves whether they are large or small, and if only for that moment in time extending a feeling of sheer amorous perfection. Don’t think that Bob can do all of that, do you?

I mean beyond the toy what good are edible lotions if I have to eat them myself? Or candles that melt into massage oils for me to massage myself? I don’t see any fun in that. Bob may get me off, but really the annoying buzzing and clicking a button to change the speed to increase pleasure… mechanical love making? Bad enough some men are mechanical, but damn at least you have a chance to teach them. Bob will never be anything more than an instrument, a man-made reminder that the extent of my sexual satisfaction is dependent on Duracell, Energizer or whatever triple-A’s are on the market.

Now, I’m not knocking the hustle, sex sells in all forms! If there weren’t a demand then the market wouldn’t exist. These items are the sole provider of sexual satisfaction for many singles and that’s all good … for them but for right now I don’t think it’s enough for me. As silly as this may sound, a knock-off to get-off just won’t do! LOL  Maybe one day I will be a full out convert, just not today.

In the meantime, I will still enjoy the banter of the ladies at the Passion Party, laugh at the gadgets and enjoy the games. After all it’s still a party…

© Soulmuze 2012

Emotional me

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

All my life I have been sensitive. One would think that I would become hardened by the many times I have been blindsided, played, used or whatever you choose to describe it. I can’t blame anyone but myself for those pitfalls. Most of the time I guess I saw it coming but chose to ignore it. Why? Because I want to believe in the goodness of people instead of accepting things for what they truly were/are.

♦ “She faced the hardest times you can imagine, and many times her eyes fall back the tears…” ♦

Like I said despite that I’m still extremely sensitive. I have tried to stay separated from others emotionally (with the exception of my family). Separated from loving, caring or trying to understand them, their pain and it continues to be … an epic fail! I have hurt people both intentional and unintentional. Yes, intentional so they can feel what they made me feel. Did they learn from it? Most likely, no, you can’t learn if you don’t truly care. Did I learn from it? Yes! The reward of revenge was short lived. It didn’t alleviate my pain, it worsened it. The pain they caused me was enhanced by the guilt of my revenge. While I tried not to care and separate myself I couldn’t. I was designed that way so the best thing is to accept, embrace and work with it.

♦ “And when her youthful world was about to fall in, each time her slender shoulders, ror the weight of all her tears, and a sorrow no one hears, still rings in midnight silence in her ears…” ♦

So I work through it, being emotional is what defines me. I was given a good heart which many lack. I wear my emotions on my sleeves, everyone can’t have a poker face; on rare occasions I luck out with a successful poker face but that’s too few and too far between.

Tears are like air for me, ever present and ready to flow. Happy, sad, proud, frustrated, angry, watching a movie, reading a book, watching the news, hearing of someone’s pain or misfortune… If our tears are God’s oceans then with me there is never a drought! While I have no choice but to accept my sensitivity it can be slightly embarrassing. When  I hear how great my children are or I get a text message bearing bad news or one of sweet words (those definitely don’t come enough), or my baby says me she loves me… my eyes get all watery… yeah I know it’s a bit much and beyond my control.

You see emotional me is just a sign of my humbleness. I have been blessed with many talents that I share and gifts that I appreciate. I know my quality and worth yet I am not cocky about it. Let me say I do have my moments of puffing out my chest but my humble reactions far exceed that peacock pride. Some people are recognized and complimented so much it’s their air but me, I’m not. So when I get it toward myself or my family I’m often humbled to tears and hold that morsel close to my heart. When people experience pain or a loss I’m humbled to tears because I have or may experience it at some point.

Emotional me is a rough and often a lonely road. Many don’t or can’t understand my reactions. It’s often viewed as childish, ‘you’re too emotional’, ‘it’s not that serious’, etc., the audacity of those who belittle my emotions… while I no longer expect  to be understood it still can be quite upsetting. It seems people would quicker accept if I were indifferent or hid behind a mask so we can waste time trying to figure out each other’s feelings. Well when I reach the point of indifference your existence doesn’t matter to me and we live in a world a masked avengers why must we proliferate it within what we consider true relationships.

Yes emotional me is an emotional extremist. Why not? I’m not an empty person so why keep empty people around.

♦ “Let her cry, for she’s a lady, let her dream for she’s a child, let the rain fall down upon her, she’s a free and gentle flower growing wild” ♦

Emotional me is all I know how to be. When you come across someone who is emotional don’t be afraid. That’s the one who may give you their heart, share your pain, remind you that you are not alone and will hold you in their arms all night even if it only brings you the smallest amount comfort… Besides isn’t that what God does for us…

♦ Song lyrics from Wildflower by New Birth

© Soulmuze 2012

Dream backwards

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

I believe in the power and the messages that are sent thru sleeping visions or dreams. They are not to be discarded but to be respected and placed in what I call a “dream vault” for you may have to reference them later. Every dream may not be directed to you, it can also be towards those who surround you. Their energy infiltrates yours like a lightning bolt and your sleeping visions cross into their zone. The more those people become imbedded in your life, the more they will blend into your energy super highway.

It’s not always clear who the dreams is directed towards but retain them anyway. Write them down, keyword, colors, landmarks, anything that jumps out to you. Recently my sleeping vision told me to “dream backwards.” Confused? Well I was until I prayed on it (yes I pray, if I didn’t I would be dead in so many ways).

Dream backwards, dream backwards, dream … I got it! This year marked a ten year anniversary of change in my life. So I needed to now look back ten years, evaluate where I was then, compare it to now and only then can I face forward for the next ten. What a reflection I had to face, it was a hard but truthful look. I had made significant strides with so much of my life but the one thing that remained the same are some of my relationships.

I saw changing participants yet it’s still a game. Ten years and still I’m just a token on some people’s board game. A token that only gets moved when the right card is pulled. The token that only lands in the right square if the dice is rolled to the right number. So what now? How much have I really improved with respects to me, decisions and associations if I’m still a token on a game board with other tokens? Am I also putting people on a game board? Or maybe I’m not, and should be just to make it an even match. But if I don’t like the position for myself, I can’t do it to others just because… I wasn’t designed that way, and if I redesign myself to play the game I will degrade the quality of who I am.

Dream backwards… Those I have encountered in the ten year journey have gained so much from me yet I have lost so much with them. Or did I really lose? Was the role I played my destiny? I won’t deny feelings of regrets, resentment and just being angry. I did learn but not as much as I have lost, I have to say ‘lost’ because right now that’s what I feel. Maybe it will change, but just not today.

Dream backwards… Now that I have looked back, how do I proceed forward? That’s a question I throw out to the universe and wait for a sleeping vision to guide me. As I have glanced back, and looked forward I will retain ‘hope’ for change. I’m not big on ‘hope’ as it has just lead to a bottomless pit of disappointment, however, I will try to rebuild it into my vocabulary. As I write this I think maybe it should be permanently replaced with ‘faith.’ Faith, that I will transition from a token to a priceless gift that will be cherished and maintained with the delicacy of an ancient artifact or a painting. Faith that I will not revert and sacrifice my quality to create a game board for others, for that will translate to revenge. Faith, that whenever I dream backwards I will see growth and be lifted like a feather to glide forward. Faith, that the power of my thoughts, words and deeds will help others to be graced with loyalty, love, kindness and timeless appreciation.

Yes, I will replace ‘hope’ with ‘faith’ as I call out to the ultimate power of the universe, the Most High, the Almighty who knows the purpose He has for me. It will not be easy, for disenchantment has a hold on me, but faith will get me thorough as I wait for more sleeping visions… dreams… to guide my way.

I have completed the journey at hand to dream backwards, now I prepare to dream forward.

 Faithfully and soulfully me…

© Soulmuze 2012

A prayer for the disenchanted

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Poetry

Your forgiveness I ask of you today
For I am saddened and depressed in the worse way

I appreciate all the blessings bestowed upon me
Yet I’m drowning in silent misery

The weight on my shoulders have curved my back
I no longer have the will to pull myself up so I can stand erect, in fact…

I am so hunched over I only see defeat
I call out to you, help me find the victory I seek

Every 1 and 2 steps forward I am pushed back 10
Where is your light? When will the darkness end?

Eternal hope is my refuge
I know with you I cannot lose

Yet today I cry and call out to you
Please my Father pull me thru

Yes I ask you to forgive me for I allowed the demons to step in today
To darken my heart, to alter my way

I cry streams, lakes, rivers, oceans and now I’m pushed to waterfalls
Do I just let go to the demons and end it all?

Hear my cry Almighty, the Most High
At the hand of the demons I must not die

I have read every Psalms, kneeled down in prayer
My heart is pure, my God are you there?

I don’t need signs like lightening strikes or your likeness to appear in smoke
I need you to strengthen my resolve, continually renew my hope.

Forgive me Father if I question your ear
I humble myself to you, for you I love and fear

I will continue to pray with a repentant heart
and wait on you Lord to give me a new start

© Soulmuze 2012