Month: February 2012

As I watch my father…

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

As I watch the man I loved, feared, respected and sometimes even hated, it gives way to the thought of growing old. It’s an unavoidable process no matter how much the medical community tries to delay.

I wonder what goes through his mind as it is no longer easy for him to communicate. I see the frustration in his eyes as he tries to reconcile that he can no longer do it by himself. His independence is diminishing and he says “I never thought I would be like this.” He turns toward me with tears in his eyes and asks, “What do you think I should do?” As I take a deep breath in an effort to keep it together I think ‘wow I used to ask you that question and you always had an answer.’ I, normally full of words, am rendered momentarily speechless.

Funny I never realized how heavy that question was until my parent asked it of me. Now the child who relied on the parent for guidance must now guide the parent. “No need for tears Dad so far you have been given life far beyond many, 86 and only a few weeks to 87.” He smiles and gives a little chuckle that becomes a priceless gift to be retained.

I still have yet to answer, then like a burst of light a calming spirit washes over me, “All you have to do is make peace within yourself. You have spent your entire life hustling, helping others often neglecting your own. Now at this stage in your journey sit back, let go of your regrets, fears, disappointments, mistakes as they become irrelevant. Ask that when you are called it will be when you are at your purist.” He turns to me and says “Thank you.” The tears he first cried were of sadness, these were now of joy.

My daughter Quinn, 4 years old, comes into the room with two pictures for her grandpa one of a rainbow, the other of flowers and butterflies. As they are placed by his bedside she says “I made them just for you so you can see all the pretty colors.” Her timing could not have been better. His smile radiated like a blinding light, he responds “That’s my Lady Perkins.”

Quinn’s pictures brought one of my favorite songs from The Wiz to mind, Be A Lion…

“There is a place we’ll go where there is mostly quiet. Flowers and butterflies a rainbow lives beside it. And from a velvet sky a summer storm. You can feel the coolness in the air but you’re still warm…If on courage you must call then just keep on tryin’ and tryin’ and tryin’. You’re a lion, in your own way be a lion.”

We must be strong as we prepare for life’s transitions. They were not made to be easy, for anything gotten too easy is often taken for granted. Growing old, what was once a natural expectation is now more of a gift than ever before. The privilege of old age, having the opportunity to see the amazing transitions implemented at the hands of man based on talents gifted by God.

 It’s hard watching the slow degeneration of a person but it is worse to lose them in the early years.  While my father has to find peace within him, I too must find it within me. To let go of any anger I may hold against him. To let go of the tragedies that may have been avoided had he been there. Unlike many I was able to find strength in all of my adversities.  Here is my peace for it lies within my strength.

I was born a Lion, and I will always be a Lion

© Soulmuze 2012

Emotional negotiator

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

Miss Optimistic, that’s me! Always seeing the bright side. The silver lining on that nasty black cloud and the half full yet dirty glass. As time moves on I look at where I am, how I got here versus where I wanted to be. In that process I realized “what a frickin’ idiot!” Why? In my effort to rationalize I lost so much of myself and maybe you are doing the same.

We are taught to have faith and never give up hope. In this we negotiate our feelings. Creating a false sense of security. When those optimistic hopes fall to the way side we are devastated. We overlook all the signs of what is and instead create fairy tales.

“The story ends, as stories do, reality steps into view. No longer living life in paradise – of fairy tales…” Anita Baker reminds us that we will have to wake up and see things for what they are…eventually.

Could we possibly deal with disappointment better if we faced and braced for impact?

Many have become emotional negotiators for which I am so guilty of. No matter how bad it looks we find ways to soften the blow but then we justify the action in the hopes it will lead to our desires. Like a battered spouse or child being abused or beaten and equating it with love for fear of being alone.

We are hurting ourselves by denying the truth. We shouldn’t be embarrassed or afraid to say, “it’s not ok! I am hurting!” Pour the water out the glass so it can be left empty and dirty.

We allow the view of others to dictate our responses. You know ‘yes everything is fine’ with a smile because you don’t want to admit your mistake or that they were right all along.

“Bag lady you gone hurt your back, dragging all them bags like that. I guess nobody ever told you all you must hold on to is you,is you…” Erykah Badu’s words are like a mantra we need to repeat as a therapeutic release. All you have ‘is you.’

Weighing yourself down with emotional baggage takes away the light from your eyes and diminishes the love of yourself. Stop denying your feelings, brace yourself for the outcome. It will hurt, you will feel like you crash landed, you will cry but it won’t be an endless ocean. When the healing is complete you will be a little wiser, a little stronger and you will recognize when

“…the fantasy is over,my life must now begin…”

And always remember to…

“…pack light, pack light …”

For the next journey.

(c) Soulmuze 2012

Questions

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Poetry

Women always ask the questions

What are your intentions?

Where lays your affections?

Asking questions because they are afraid to just come out and say, ‘I fell in love with you a minute before yesterday’

NOW…

Men go the other way,

Gotta keep their ‘swag’ up as they say

‘Ask me what you want to know’, not volunteering information playing safe and moving snail slow

Can’t say I blame either side

Men don’t want to show their soft side

Always looking for the next best thing to ride

Women, well let’s just say are emotional creatures born to love until their dying day

Don’t get me wrong when a man truly loves he will love strong

But the questions loom overhead,

Why do we have to ask just come out and say it instead.

We play kiss don’t tell games with each other’s heart

Pretending it’s okay to  just hang out, but that’s only at the start

When talking leads to hugging when kissing leads to caressing

When intimacy gets so sweet emotions run wild and feelings are no longer asleep

NOW…

This ‘hanging out’ becomes more than what you bargained for

One heart begins to strongly question, ‘how deep is this affection?’

The other heart says, ‘this is all good’ and begins to question, ‘how much more can I get and still avoid a long term connection?’

Ha, ha they laugh sarcastically, each on their own agenda with one mutual question: ‘what’s in it for me?’

Men and women play the question game their target is both the same…mine and me

Pretending to one another it’s ours and we

Are we keeping it real pretending less is more?

Tossing the hot potato seeing who’s going to let it hit the floor

Can’t say I always understand the questions one asks and the other avoids answering

Too bad both wastes so much time just doing me and mine.

Questions, in the beginning, in the middle, and never seems to be answered and never seems end…

(c) Soulmuze 2011

Reflections

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

We look at mirrors and think the reflections answers it all. What we see is what we get… NOT! Ever heard of the Iceberg Theory? Simply defined: we only view the visible portion, the tip and ignore what lies beneath the surface; taking things at face value.

Beneath the surface lies the true definition of who’s looking back at you.  Reflections are just a mask, ignoring what’s beneath the mask can lead us to fear, disappointment and heartache.

We create internal fun houses running thru mazes, distorting views of ourselves and our lives; creating scenarios based on a surface view and never delve deeper. We fail to recognize that no matter how deep it is buried it will rise to the top. Why wait until it floats up? Why are we afraid to deep dive into ourselves? Maybe it’s because we are afraid that the truth will not align to what we want. Maybe it’s just easy to pretend as we are emotionally rotting within.

Science fiction movies come to mind. Aliens walking around, blending in with their outer human shell. Spreading their venom, converting others, building a universe of hideous creatures. Sounds silly doesn’t it? Think about it, we deceive one another with fake smiles, false hopes and expectations.  Sometimes this deception is unintentional and then there are those who knowingly set out on a mission to destroy others just to get what they desire.

At what point does it stop? Enough already! When will that pitching ball machine run out of damn balls! Life’s ball machine is going wild and you are trapped in the batting cage swinging wildly. You hit some, miss many and are severely bruised.

Can we continue to comfortably look at our reflections and accept the image?  The alien in the reflection is not what we are designed to be. We cannot allow those bruises to become permanent scars that mark every facet of our being. Scars that we end up projecting onto others. We must strengthen our resolves get below the surface, walk up to that pitching machine and pull the plug.

“…To thine own self be true…” said Polonius to his son in William Shakespeare’s Hamlet

When we are true to ourselves we can be true to others. Truth is not always glamorous but neither is life.  Look beyond the mask, the face value really is worthless, look within yourself and others. Successful lifelong relationships are not built on a reflection; it has a dependency of a solid foundation which is found within your core.

©Soulmuze 2012

How long will you be content with partial “love” or “usage”?

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

Not every relationship starts with the intention of being a lifelong romance. Sometimes it’s just two people who connect and seamlessly glide into a sexual satisfying movement. Enjoying each other’s company with one believing it’s an automatic exclusivity clause.  How ideal, or is it really? Falling into a false sense of being in a committed relationship. Let’s be real, do actions, in this case truly speak louder than words? Just because you think you’re the only doesn’t mean you are or better yet always will be.

Have you talked to one another to gain an understanding of your respective desires? If you did, and are satisfied with the flow that’s fine. But remember to check-in, make sure the temperature hasn’t changed.
If you haven’t, why not? Are you happy with just partial love or usage? Don’t fool yourself into thinking it’s a whole package. Don’t fool yourself into believing you can change his/her mind. Exclusivity can’t be forced ripe like fruit! Even forced ripened fruit doesn’t taste as sweet.

Relationship selfishness is rampant and wrong. Yeah I hear that life is unfair, let’s think is it really and why? Life wasn’t designed to be unfair. Everything from creation was done with purpose and balance: Male and female; day and night; heaven and earth; land and sea; wet and dry…With that there is transition to certainty. You know day will become night. So should we accept emotionally unbalanced relationships? Why do we allow ourselves to run parallel then intersect on occasion? Do you truly believe there will not be a point when one of you will want to meet in the middle creating a unified single point?

When you’re young it’s acceptable as you are trying to figure out what completes you. As you get older this doesn’t work the same. It becomes more of an act of selfishness and disregard of values. You want what you want right now forgetting that someone else’s feelings are at stake also. Friends with benefits, yeah right. Where’s the benefit when one is giving 100% and the other only giving 50% because they are keeping options open.

Don’t give me that business about more women than men so we have to share, straight bullshit! Why? Because in the majority of cases the men want the woman to be exclusive to them while they roam. Why can’t we all roam? Oh my bad, that would make me a slut, whore but you are the motherfucking man…raw and uncut.

Jill Scott spelled it out in Exclusively, “She sniffed and sniffed and sniffed and sniffed again then replied Raheem, right? Right…” I hope you never have felt this and if you did, trust I know your pain. What a double slap in the face, left and right cheek, those handprints never seems to fade away.

If your cool with 50%, hats off to you, everything ain’t for everybody. For those who aren’t:
Let them keep their half, because someone out there wants to give you their whole!

© Soulmuze 2012

Love is real, I am love

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

Tapping your feet, shaking your shoulders complimented by a little head move as you listen to Mary J’s “Real love…I’m searching for a real love, someone to set my heart free…” Yeah, it’s one that doesn’t get old…wait the remix, more vigorous body response required lol.

Here I go “damn I want a real love too” and who doesn’t for that matter.

What’s unreal about ‘love’? Love, the greatest of all things known to mankind. Love is the root of our very existence. How can we say ‘love’ itself is not real? It’s the one thing believers of God and Agnostics have in common.

Everything about ‘love’ is real. So why are we all searching for something we already have? Love is pure and conditional. Yes I said love is conditional!  The condition is reciprocation. We are to love and love in return. Doesn’t that constitute a condition? If you don’t get,  do you continue to give?  Do we love each other regardless…? We should but often we don’t.

Love is real! We are who are unreal and corrupt the purist thing we share. We confuse love with lust, love with sex, love with selfish desires.
We hurt one another and blame love. We can’t be faithful in relationships and blame love
We abuse our children, our community, our bodies and blame love.

Love is real, we aren’t. Love never fails, we fail. How we express love is unreal. We are often so twisted that when pure love is standing in plain view we ignore it. Sadly many only recognize all the love wasted and lost when they are nearing the end of their earthly journey.

I am real love, I’m not searching for it because it’s within me.  What I really want is someone to share their real love with me. We can magnify one another, rise above the ‘unreal’, and create a reciprocating environment knowing that come what may love conquers all.

“I am love, waiting here to give you what you need, like you do for me…” Jennifer Holiday couldn’t have sung it better…

© Soulmuze 2012

How do we ease the pain…

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

We all have vices, some used to accentuate our pleasure and some to ease the pain. The greater our need to enhance or eliminate the more we engage in our vice.

My mother always said “too much of one thing is good for nothing.”  As a God fearing woman she said turn to prayer for everything. Prayer is powerful, comforting and necessary in the world of many. We reach out to a power beyond the universe seeking guidance, help and most importantly the messenger who will deliver us from our ailments. Keyword being “messenger” in whatever forms it may come. We crave each other’s touch, to be held, to have arms physically wrapped around us so we can feel and believe it will be ok. We wait for that physical messenger and we find it in a vice. Oh yes I believe in the Almighty but when I hurt it is a physical pain that burns deep into the core of my soul.

“Is it a dream (is it a dream), that I am throwing in the wishing well, I am losing control my body and soul, Standing here waiting for a train that may never come… Deep water I am drowning, deep water Im slowly drowning in deeper…” Deep Water, by Incognito.  You have been here, loving someone who doesn’t love you the same way. Think about it, when love or life doesn’t go as we hoped, we begin to flail our arms, struggling to stay afloat, and some of us slowly start sinking.

Many people, regardless of their faith, are weakened by pain. While we are often taught ‘no matter how bad it is someone out there has it worse.’ That concept doesn’t hold water for too long because if you are extremely sensitive (like me) it makes you feel worse!  You end up absorbing the possibility of it being worse, increasing the burden that you are carrying. You cry out to the universe ‘what did I do, why is it happening, when will it stop?!’ Waiting…  no response. So you turn to your vice: drinking, smoking, drugs, sex, verbal/physical abuse, food … whatever it takes to release this anguish if even for a moment.

Pain is pain. What is nothing to you is overwhelming to another. We can’t say one pain is not as bad as the other. Vices used to cover our pain are like walking blindly into oncoming traffic on an eight lane highway with cars, trucks and buses coming in both directions at 80+ miles per hour. You just go and whatever happens is just that…it is what it is.

Even if you have the gift of true friends who will listen judgment free it may not be enough. The demons that dwell in your core are greater than that gift. It’s sad and difficult to understand unless you have walked thru the fire. When you succumb to the power of your vices some say it’s a sign of weakness, is it really?

“Lonely is a place I used to be, but I’m closing that door, I won’t live there anymore”, I Refuse To Be Lonely, by the late great Phyllis Hyman’s.

You tried as long as you could to deal, the pressure builds and builds so what do you do? Some close the door on their own, slow suicide thru overindulgence of that which masks the pain. Living inside their private pressure cooker, simmering, stewing, and burning until enough is enough! There is no definitive answer on how to overcome or simply ease the pain, especially when you feel God just isn’t enough. You cannot negatively judge those whose faith appears not to be strong enough. You cannot discard them, call them weak or selfish. Just like you can be blinded by anger you can be blinded by pain.

“People just don’t know what I’m about…They haven’t seen what’s there behind my smile…There’s so much more of me I’m showin out…(These are the pieces of me)”, Pieces of Me, Ledisi’s opening verse.

It’s the pieces that make us whole, when you feel like all the king’s horses and all the king’s men can’t put back together again your vices become your only alternative…but often times it doesn’t get you out.

I passionately and sincerely cry out to the universe to heal those in pain, to bring them whatever is needed to fill the emptiness that slowly eats them from the inside out. Let the method of healing be one that strengthens not destroys, may negative vices be replaced with positivity and support from our villages… for we are not designed to stand alone. 

© Soulmuze 2012

Apologies accepted..eventually

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

“One thing I don’t need is anymore apologies! I got sorry greetin’ me at my front door!…” The unforgettable opening from Sorry in Ntozake Shange’s choreopoem ,“For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf”

We are all guilty of blurting out things in the heat of passion whether it is during love making or an argument.
Thoughts of what we said usually happen after we have released our words to the universe. ‘Geez, now what do I do?’ You have either torn someone down or set their expectations higher than you ever intended.

At a crossroads with your conscious you want to apologize, retract your statement but you ask yourself ‘is it too late?’ Have I crossed the river of no return? It’s truly hard to determine. We are taught to forgive and forget. I don’t buy into the forgetting portion too much. We must remember in order not to repeat or to recognize when it’s going to happen again, brace for impact and stop it in its track. Use it as an instructive lesson.

Now forgiving here’s the challenge for us all. You hurt me, lied to me, mislead me, omitted information that impacts our relationship and an apology is supposed to repair that? Do you think you can say and do whatever you want and clean it up with ‘sorry’ later? Is it sincere or just to pacify? All of this thought process is truly overwhelming yet it’s unavoidable, especially when the act creating the need to apologize is repeated.

As imperfect beings we need to be able to accept an apology whether it’s delivered minutes, hours, days or months later. It doesn’t mean we are weak but it allows us to put a lid on that pot. It helps to smolder the silent flame that burns within for the emotional disruption that was caused.

“Steada bein sorry alla the time enjoy bein yourself!” …the poem’s closing line. You know who and what you are so own up to it!

The actions of some are intentional, self-serving and being sorry is just who they are! It takes all kinds and there are many straight up sorry human beings. So do you stress yourself, expend unnecessary energy or do you just let it and them go? Easier said than done but the journey starts with a single, small step. Accept the apologies regardless of the sincerity, leave the burden on the one delivering the apology. Forgive yourself in the part you may have played (remember it takes two hands to clap). Make room to welcome positive energy and experiences into your fold.

© Soulmuze 2012

Dark Socks

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Eclectic thoughts

Ever walk around with a pair of dark socks and see how much dust it attracts? Pretty annoying isn’t it?

Here you thought your house was as clean as it could be. Your socks are picking up these tiny particles. The more it collects the more visible they become. Those dark socks that were clean are now dusty.

Those dark socks have just delivered a message to you. Yup things are not as clean as they appear. No matter how small and unnoticeable something is over time it collects and grows. You can’t spend your life just coasting, taking advantage of others and think you will always be in the clear.

Do you remember when our parents told us to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes? Step outside of yourself by replacing your name with theirs? If you say you’re ok with being in that position odds are, you’re in denial because you want what you want regardless. No one with any sense of morals or positive values will be okay being used, played, a place holder until better comes along, a part-time lover/friend/jump-off, whatever, indefinitely. At some point it will not be enough, it’s our nature to want more.

As we get older our needs and wants change, the roulette game of life becomes less appealing. When the things we can’t control become over bearing we need to know that we have people in our corner to lean on. Those damn dark socks with those pesky dust particles! Let’s think about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, it’s a pyramid. The base defines our physiological needs: breathing, food, water, sex, sleep,  we elevate from one layer to the next safety, love/belonging, esteem and at the top self-actualization. When you reach the top of the pyramid, the peak, you recognize your power – potential; you have (to some degree) mastered the previous layers. You are no longer satisfied with being a particle of dust amongst many. Your individuality must be recognized, appreciated, harnessed, what can you bring to the table that can add to another, you are ready to give your whole self and want whole in return. It doesn’t mean you won’t have questions or doubts in some areas, but you can’t settle for just being a member in everyone’s string band.

Men and women are emotionally driven. Some more than others and emotions evolve and devolve at varying rates. Technology has simplified our lives, but has also taken away an important need, our need to confront one another face-to-face. We need to look at each other, talk to one another, read one another’s body language, and wipe one another’s tears. Our only touch shouldn’t not be sexual in nature! How can we reduce and eliminate those little particles that are hindering our growth without physical interaction.  It’s important to engage in social intercourse so that you know where another stand on anything. Stop making assumptions that everything is gravy while your socks are collecting dust.

© Soulmuze 2012

The Bare Essence of Love

by Soulful Storytellers, LLC, posted in Poetry

As you hustle for that perfect Valentine gift for that special someone remember it’s beyond the day, the minute, the moment. If it’s true it will be eternal and not influenced by outsiders or corrupted by society’s views. The symbolic token is an enhancer for the bare essence of love.

Focus, adjust the lens, check the lighting and click.

The picture has been taken and now we evaluate to determine if it will be discarded or evolve into a series of consecutive masterpieces.

The masterpieces begin…you have just captured the bare essence of love.

Lyrically sweet, syncing to one another’s beats.

Sharing passions, freeing your inhibitions, entering territories forbidden to all others.

The bare essence of love

Syrupy sweet and bitter root the symbolic journey of two becoming one.

Unified and distinct. Only then do you realize that you were a mere half and now your whole.

The bare essence of love.

Passion remains even in adversity. Strengthen the bond thru each laugh and raindrops of tears.

You may not finish every sentence or complete every thought but united you stand after the wars that were fought.

The bare essence of love.

Daily expressions not date driven. Said or unsaid, energy radiates from inside out.

Admiration of what you share no other will compare.

The bare essence of love.

Loving one another becomes your religion. The greatest gift that surpasses all other.

The gift that lead to our existence.

The bare essence of love permeates thru your union and engrains itself in every fiber of your being.

When you capture the bare essence of love, it is, and always will be soulfully yours…

© Soulmuze 2012